Disclaimer: This week’s “La Wlooo” column entry will probably not make you laugh. I have not become lame, and I have not lost my sense of humor; I have merely chosen to tackle a sensitive topic that so many people around me are going through. If you’re looking for a good laugh, please stop reading now and don’t waste your time with “this was so lame and pointless” comments. Thank you; I love you all.
One of the things that remains constant in life is “endings”. All things must come to an end, whether they’re good or bad, and whether you’re happy or upset; you must accept it at some point and move on. Breakups are never easy to deal with, especially during the season of engagements and weddings (and especially since your Facebook homepage rubs it in your face every day with photos and status updates). Always remember that the key here is acceptance, but before you achieve that level of graciousness, hell must break loose for a while.
“There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.”
Denial: This is when your friends ask you about your sweetheart and you say that everything’s fine. It’s when you wake up in the morning forgetting that you broke up . . . then it hits you 10 seconds later. It’s that unrealistic hope that you’ll somehow patch things up, no matter how messy they are. It’s refusing to acknowledge the bad times while you focus on the good times you two shared.
Anger: You realize that you are indeed alone now, and you realize that your ex is doing nothing to get you back. You feel betrayed after everything you’ve done and been through. You begin to remember the bad times and you feel the urge to strangle your ex to death. You feel that you were the one that was wronged. You feel the utmost hatred toward that putrid being who you once loved.
Bargaining: After the anger subsides and you’re no longer seeing red, you realize that you did some wrong things too. You try to talk it over with your ex who is now probably on a power trip because you’re supposedly asking for a second chance. You fight again. You both realize you can’t deal with this amount of drama. You decide you’re better off apart.
Depression: Now you know it’s over. You’re no longer in denial; no longer angry . . . you can see things as they are. You lock yourself up in your room, cry your eyes out. You then try to go out every single day and night to keep yourself busy. You pretend to happy and sure of your decision . . . until one day you hopefully are.
Acceptance: That day arrives when you realize you haven’t thought of your ex for a few days. It’s easier to wake up in the morning and it’s easier to sleep at night. You actually enjoy yourself when you go out; you actually look forward to meeting new people.
You finally accept that you both had valid and substantial reasons for ending things, and only time will reveal whether or not you two will want to fix those problems.
Will you still think of your ex? Of course. Will you ever forget your ex? Never. Except now, you can deal with the idea that the past is the past and you look forward to the future. You trust that time will set everything straight.
Tips for the Broken-Hearted:
Never listen to cheesy sob-inducing love songs that keep the tears running down your face. Are you sadist? I think not. Go get yourself some Black Eyed Peas and Bob Marley music. Listen to anything gay and cheery.
Take the time you need to cry and sob and pity yourself. When that’s done (hopefully in less than two weeks), if you’re still feeling low, slap yourself on the face and wake up! There’s an entire world of opportunities waiting for you outside . . . right after you shower.
Do not tell the entire world your break up sob story. If you and your ex get back together, you’ll be the laughing stock of the town. Also, not many people care about your problems; they’re content enough to know that you’re suffering (regardless of the reasons).
Do not stalk your ex. It’s pitiful, frightening, and weird. By stalking, I mean: Facebook, Twitter, BBM, phone calls, and following them to certain places. Keyword: weird.
If you want your ex back and you’re sure that you’re meant to be together, give the break up the time and space it needs. Don’t push or rush things. Don’t forget that “if you love something let it go . . .” bla bla bla.
Never drink alcohol if you’re messy on the inside. Believe me you’ll get drunk, turn into a monster, and wake up the next day feeling like someone rearranged your insides. You also wouldn’t want to know the things you blurted out while you were intoxicated.
Go to the gym. Let out all that negative energy (and you’ll also lose the 3 kgs worth of depression weight that piled up during the last few weeks).
Don’t be a ho. This applies to both men and women. If you want to get your ex’s attention by shoving your tongue down some stranger’s throat for the entire world to see, it’s a bad idea.
Don’t listen to what people tell you. Forget about the post-break up rules and etiquette that would drive you madder than a wild goat. Enjoy your freedom without worrying about your every move and about what people might think or say about you (within limits of course).
Contrary to popular belief: Life goes on. You had a life before your ex; you’ll have a life after your ex.
Tips for the Friends of the Broken-Hearted:
Do not share your happiness with your broken-hearted friend. Always remember that misery loves company and there is no way in heck that even a broken-hearted sister or best friend can truly enjoy listening to your gay and happy-go-lucky stories.
Create a group on Facebook called “the broken-hearted” and adjust your privacy settings so that they may not even glimpse at your lovey-dovey photos. The Broken-hearted stare are your “we are so in love” photos late at night when they are at their loneliest and cast spells on you. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but you should be scared and you should watch it.
Do not allow your broken-hearted friend to drink shots. Do not allow your broken-hearted friend to nag and seek advice from random strangers. Allow yourself to slap your broken-hearted friend when he/she starts acting like an obsessed delusional child. Prevent your broken-hearted friend from dialing the ex by confiscating their phone.
That being said, I wish you all love . . . no matter how long it takes for you to find it. When you do, cherish it, fight for it, and never stop reminding yourself of how lucky you are.
I’ll now go die a little for being so constructive and nice.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill