Ever since I started writing my satirical column “La Wlooo,” people have been asking me the same question: “Why do you hate Lebanon so much?” So this week, I would like to clarify one truth:
I DO NOT HATE LEBANON.
As a matter of fact, I absolutely love it.
But, like any normal person with a sufficient IQ, a brain, a pair of eyes, good judgment, a brain, common sense and a brain, I see things around me that I do not like. At all. Many things.
I will take the time to list them for you, and I do hope – with all my heart – that you agree with me and see that these things are dreadfully annoying.
If the majority of you believe that Lebanon is a piece of fluffy heaven where pink unicorns breed, fly and sing all day as they sprinkle Skittles and Lindt chocolate truffles on jolly Gisele and Johnny Depp lookalikes, you might as well dig your own grave of cow dung and rot in your very own puddle of ignorance and denial.
My awesome dedicated readers have already read my many rantings about my deep hatred towards many of the points I’m about to mention – my apologies – but I will stop complaining when these things stop happening . . . which is probably never.
I shall commence.
Disclaimer: I am not referring to the entire society, but I can’t be bothered to add the words “most” and “many” every time I utter a syllable. Also, when I use the word “you” I am referring to the people that behave a certain way. I am in no way referring to you personally, unless you are one of those people, then I probably am and you should probably change because you’re annoying people. Finally, I am not angry or aggressive – please see: Satire. Thank you for (hopefully) understanding.
I HATE How People Drive: As though they are suffering from either malaria, insanity, Down syndrome, epilepsy, Tourrette’s syndrome, or all of the aforementioned combined to form an unstable nonhuman life form that is hazardous to all motorists within a 100 KM radius.
What the heck people! What kind of driving school teaches people how to transform into animals as soon as they touch a steering wheel?
Did you know that there is a speed below 120 KMPH? And did you know that you have turn signals that are intended to “signal a turn” BEFORE you make it? This is a way to warn other motorists that you plan on either slowing down or turning towards them. This way, motorists (like me) do not have to die a thousand deaths when a big chunk of metal (like your car) jumps in front of them out of nowhere.
Also, unless everyone in this country is suffering from acute blindness, what excuse do motorists have for keeping their headlights on full beam? Since acute blindness is most probably not the cause, I’ll go ahead and blame it on chronic disregard towards others.
I HATE How People Hate Walking: The pretentious “La Classe” who refuse to walk from Beirut Souks to Zaitunay Bay (a 15 minute walk) or better yet, from Beirut Souks to Downtown Beirut (a 5 minute walk). Not only is it embarrassing, but strangers may think you’re a poor peasant.
Taxis understand that walking is unacceptable, so in case you’re a peasant that enjoys walking, prepare yourself to be harassed by a honking taxi driver every 4.5 seconds because his developed mind cannot fathom why you’d be walking at your own will!
Once, while walking from Downtown to Beirut Souks (because I’m a poor peasant with no sense of class), a Zouzou stuck his ugly face out of his Zouzou car and attempted to woo me with his charm. When I gave him my “I think I just puked a little” face, he said, “Shhhaaaaa? Mfakra halik bi NaYork?!”
Lizard Face, whose mother and father are most likely siblings, reminded me that despite the beautiful Downtown Beirut architecture I was immensely enjoying, I was still in Tatar-Land, where people are not allowed to walk without being harassed by ignorant inbreds.
Also, what’s the point of owning (or financing) that expensive car if you’re not going to valet it all over Beirut? Who cares if you can self-park it for 5000 LL less in a parking lot right across the venue, instead of waiting 15 hours for the valet guy to bring it back to you after he dents it in every corner? If you self-park it, you’ll have to walk for 20 seconds and people will think you don’t own a car, so why risk being labeled a car-less poor peasant?
I HATE How Everything is About Money: Since most wealthy families in this country made their millions two hours ago, it’s going to be a long time before they become self-actualized and realize a goat that wears silk is still a goat. Translation: money doesn’t buy class, and it certainly should not buy respect. I am sick of seeing how wealthy people are worshipped (second to politicians of course) just because they made a buck or two.
You could be the stupidest, rudest, most obnoxious, arrogant retard on the planet, but people will want to befriend you because your dad’s rich. You are a useless, unambitious rich kid who will lurk in daddy’s shadows forever, but that’s okay, because everyone likes your car.
No wonder this country is filled with so many posers, fakers and losers who think that your car and watch will earn you respect . . . and lots of sex (which is sadly true). Who cares where you went to school or if you even went to school? Who cares how you made your money? Just make some so you can wear a Rolex or an Audemar Piguet, drive a Ferrari or a Bentley, and BAAM, you’re now labeled as “Mrattab.”
What the heck is that word supposed to mean anyway?! “Mrattab” based on what?
I have heard people say “Ktir mrattab” about lying, stealing, coke heads just because they have money. I have also heard people saying “Ktir, ktiiiiir mrattabi” about a sl** who’s slept with half the city and acts, talks and dresses like a sl**, just because she doesn’t need a guy to buy her the expensive stuff that daddy buys her . . . but her guy will still feel obliged to buy her all the good stuff so he can live up to her “Mrattabi” standards.
What happens if you don’t have money? Fake it. That shouldn’t stop you from going out every night and being a moocher. Screw the bill; act retarded when it comes and run off somewhere. This will work only if you have the right watch and car. How else will you meet the “mrattabi” gold digger of your dreams and live happily ever after in debt?
I HATE How People Talk: First, how they constantly talk about the most trivial issues like, “Man, dude, bro *burp* I drank 3 bottles of vodka last night, and guess which brand was the best?” No I will not give you a pat on the back if you tell me this. I will yawn and question the purpose of your existence.
Second, how they talk so damn loud, “LEIKI HABIBI, WEINIK HAYETE? *chews gum like slut* BADDIK TA3EMLE SHOPPING??? YIII, MAREEDA? TO2OBRINI INSHALLA! TESSLAMEELE YA ALBI!” As she ends the call she tells her other friend, “Eh akid mordit haydi, ad ma bet dal lebssi mzallat metel el . . . ” as she tucks the nipple on her fake left boob back into her shirt – which concludes my third point, talking about others.
And fourth, we should definitely be proud of being bilingual or trilingual in this country, granted that we can pronounce properly while speaking these languages (think: zis, zat, zer, comfortayble, avocaydo, clotheys, montheys) so please stick to the one language you can speak well, because I will hurt you just like you’re hurting my ears.
I HATE How Women Love Looking like Wh*res: Let me put it this way, a wh*re who wants to look like a wh*re, still looks less sl**ty than these women I speak of. There is no need for raccoon-eyed black make up or Nike-Swoosh wh*re eyebrows. Congratulations, you are now a transvestite. Also, your breasts do not need to be on display right below your chin. You do not need to show every single inch of your legs, back and arms while wearing something that looks like a Halloween sl*t outfit. As for your super long nails with french tips, what the heck is that all about? How do you go to the toilet?!
You don’t need to keep pouting your lips 24/7 – you look like a constipated blowfish. You do not need to abuse plastic surgery till your cheeks cover your eyes like an obese Chinese baby. If your man wanted to be with a blowup doll, he would have bought one. Maybe you should see a psychologist who can dig deep into your subconscious and possibly convey your hidden desires of being a prostitute.
I HATE Young Lebanese Mothers: Specifically those who rely on Filipinos to raise their kids. Why did you get married, b****? Abroad, a nanny is qualified to take care of a child. She receives the proper training and is able to help children with their homework as well as teach them about hygiene and manners. Still, good mothers refuse to let even a qualified nanny raise her children. I guess these stupid young and useless Lebanese mothers don’t really care about that since they are uneducated, have no manners, and their only notion of hygiene is cleaning up the stitches on their new nose job. These mothers are lazy, rude, snobby and superficial to the rotten core. They see their little monkeys being rude, noisy and obnoxious to others in public and they do nothing. Nothing! Do they even bother taking their kids to the park? The only “outdoor” playtime these kids are getting is at the mall, while Lazy Mc. Fake Nose buys the latest designer clothes. These kids are then programmed to linger around malls when they grow up as they talk to each other in Filipino and harass the elderly for fun. I for one am not looking forward to seeing what generation of monsters is to come from such “mothers”. I am just thankful to come from a generation raised by amazing mothers who still looked after their kids.
Warning to useless mothers: I do not find rude children cute, and I will wring your little monkey’s neck if push comes to shove, so keep them out of my way or teach them some good old fashioned manners.
I HATE How Manners are Becoming Extinct: You know, words like “please” and “thank you,” a kind smile to a stranger, common courtesy, a friendly tone of voice, not being a rude b**** . . . things like that. For example, when you want to enter an elevator, is it so difficult to let the people inside exit first? Will a comet hit planet earth if you wait 3 seconds or do you just like rubbing butts with total strangers in tight spaces as you breathe in each other’s faces while trying to figure out why you enjoy acting like trailer trash?
Speaking of trash, must you throw plastic bottles, plastic bags, “termoss”, “bazella” and handfuls of “bezer” out the car window?! I chose to write these terms in Arabic so you can relive the horror with me, since I am sure that you’ve all witnessed at least one douche bag littering the roads. This is downright shameful in this day and age. I wonder if these people shit where they sleep too.
I HATE How Everyone is Obsessed with Politics: Every Lebanese comedy show is about politics. Every talk show mentions politics. Every discussion will lead to politics (and then lead to an argument). Stupid 8-year-olds who don’t even know about manners already know about politics (and are already following and worshipping the politician their dad loves). Does everyone have some form of political OCD? Especially men – you act like clinically insane homosexuals when it comes to your political idol. You-need-to-chill-out! These people you are obsessed with don’t care if you die . . . fact is, they don’t know you’re alive – so get a life and learn from your parents’ and grandparents’ mistakes so that the next generation isn’t another brainwashed zombie society that’s having wet dreams about their favorite politician.
I HATE How Everything is About Clubbing: I think there’s no bigger waste of money than throwing away hundreds of dollars on clubbing each week to do the following: “Here’s a smart idea! Let me go out and spend $300 so I can criticize other people and watch them all night to see what they’re doing and who they’re talking to. Hopefully they’ll get to see me too (or it’ll be a total waste of $300) so I better be on my best behavior because my life depends on what these losers think of me. I live only to please them. I’m such an a**hole. I better not dance either or they might think I’m a loser. Instead, I’ll drink and drink till I’m shit-faced and cry about how miserable my life is.” Sounds like a plan, Stan!
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy clubbing as much as the next guy, but I d-a-n-c-e . . . and I have a great time! I don’t go out just to see and be seen – I go out to have a good time and I don’t leave till my feet die. I also can’t imagine spending 4 hours not talking, not dancing, not smiling or laughing. I do enough of that during my sleep, thank you very much.
Lebanon is a beautiful country with hidden treasures in every corner. Did you know that there are places and cities around the country other than Beirut? Even in the Beirut vicinity, there are many other things to do like dining, where you can at least have a decent conversation. I can see why many wouldn’t want to spend $200 on a dinner for two, because no one would be there to see them spending that money and wearing that new Dolce & Gabbana shirt, so the $300 on alcohol is a much better investment.
I HATE Cops: They are supposed to represent the law, but they don’t enforce it. They only fine people when they’re bored and in need of a quick bribe, or to chat up a pretty girl. They drive like a**holes, burn red lights like a**holes, practically kill anyone and anything that comes in their way while driving at 200 KMPH like a**holes, and set up road blocks in the middle of the highway at 2 AM on a Saturday night like a**holes.
I’m not saying they shouldn’t set up roadblocks, but what is the point? Almost everyone driving back at 2 AM on a Saturday is almost or already drunk. Setting up a roadblock in the middle of the highway is a recipe for disaster. How is a drunk driver supposed to go from 120 to 20 KMPH in less than 5 seconds? This is why accidents and Saturday night roadblocks come hand in hand, like Jack and Jill. I understand that these cops are not too bright, but has it ever occurred to them that setting up the roadblock at the beginning of the highway would make more sense? Did it occur to them to bring breathalyzer tests so that drunken douche bags don’t end up killing the rest of us because of their reckless driving? If you tell a cop this, he’ll just hear “waaa waaa waaa waaa waaa,” 1) because his ears are damaged from abusing his siren while constantly and excessively speeding, and 2) because he’s an idiot with the mental capacity of a cornflake.
I could go on forever, but I already hate myself for wasting hours of my life writing the longest article ever, knowing I’ll be attacked by people who refuse to understand my point; people who are the reason I feel like an intruder in my own country. Here’s to 5 hours I’ll never get back!
PS. Buy a book for God’s sake . . . and read it. I HATE how people don’t read books in this country. It’s embarrassing.
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Clark Gable