Women are always the victims – always – and although “All men are assholes,” and “See? This is what always happens to nice girls like me!” are usually “valid” reasons as to why he stopped calling or lost interest, they’re far from the truth.
In many cases, yes, men can be assholes. BUT, in all cases it’s an “it takes two to tango” situation. Women tend to forget how their behavior directly affects the direction of the relationship; so when things go wrong, the man is blamed – fully – and the woman holds on to her victim card as she complains about the scarcity of good men and the wretchedness of being man-less. In some cases when a woman does ask herself or her friend, “Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? How? When? What? Blah?!” it usually ends with the most ridiculous and complex analysis that has nothing to do with the situation. I’m not Oprah or Dr. Phil, but I’ve gathered information from personal experiences, friends’ mistakes, and things I’ve heard from hundreds of men about the mistakes women make during the early stages of a relationship that get their men running for the woods.
1. The Verbal Diarrhea: Being sociable and fun is lovely. Awkward silences are uncomfortable. BUT, when you keep talking regardless of the content and without pausing to take a breath, it becomes very childish. Men will perceive this as irritating, insecure, nervous behavior. He will not only block out the sound of your voice, but he will no longer be intrigued by you as he will perceive you as an insecure child. Remember, silence is golden; and silence also means that you indeed have a brain that processes information and ears that listen. When you are silent, it makes a guy wonder what you’re thinking about – and that is intriguing.
2. The Open Book: When you meet a guy, the last thing you want to do is spill your heart out to him. Do not tell him sob stories about your exes, or talk to him about your sexual escapades, or about how you have abandonment issues because of your father, or how your mother teases you about your weight. Do not complain about your jiggly arms or your fat thighs or your chunky belly (which he probably never noticed until you brought attention to them). Do not tell him your friends’ secrets or gossip about half the country. Do not tell him how you’ve liked him and stalked him for months on Facebook while asking people about his latest news. Let him wonder, “Does she like me? What does she want?” Telling him too much is like going to see a movie but seeing the spoilers first. Why read a book when you already know what happens in every chapter? It becomes predictable and boring. A man likes to be intrigued and finds it a lot more interesting and challenging to discover who you are and how you think one step at a time. The more mysterious you are, the higher his interest level.
3. The Human Disclaimer: When it comes to what you expect from the guy or the relationship, it’s simple: keep your mouth shut. Women believe that they should state all facts and requirements before the 4th date so that they don’t waste any time:
“I’m looking for a serious relationship and I want to get married. I don’t want someone who is going to waste my time or break my heart. I’ve wasted enough time and gotten my heart broken way too many times. I want a gentleman who will worship me, take care of me and treat me like a princess. I don’t want someone who just wants to fool around and have fun.”
After you say that, the guy’s face will probably turn yellow as he wipes the sweat off his forehead and reminds himself to breathe. Why? Because he just understood that you want to marry him tomorrow simply because you want to get married (and not because you like him as a person). He also understood that you are probably Hitler’s great granddaughter or the spawn of Satan who will suffocate him and not allow him to have one fun moment as long as he’s with you.
If he’s a royal asshole, he’ll probably tell you he’s serious about you and go on to name your first child. After he has sex with you, you’ll never hear from him again.
Every guy starts off wanting to fool around and have fun. It’s your ACTIONS not your words that determine the direction of the relationship and the nature of his feelings. The whole point of the dating process is to learn about each other.
4. The Goodie Two-Shoes: Last week I mentioned how women are attracted to the Alpha Male; a powerful, smart man who never comes across as eager or desperate. That being said, why would a man like a weak, eager and desperate woman? What man ever had a sexual fantasy about fragile anemic woman? It’s usually the dominating nurse, school teacher, and so on.
A foolish, nice girl will put her man before her in everything because she is scared of losing him. She will never argue with him and she will never allow her schedule to conflict with his. He is always her priority.
You don’t want to always agree with a man just because you want to please him. You must have your own opinions. If he doesn’t like that new pair of shoes you bought, who cares! Don’t stop wearing them. If he does something wrong or disrespectful, you mustn’t stand for it. For example, if he’s two hours late to pick you up, explain to him in a firm way that your time is precious to you and that he should let you know next time. If he’s late again, take the initiative and cancel your date. If he tells you he wants to go out for dinner on Wednesday and it conflicts with your schedule (even if it’s your yoga class), postpone the date to another day. When you do these things it doesn’t mean he will go and find someone else who is more understanding, it means he will respect you more for being an independent woman.
5. The Over-Trying/Doing/Needing/Nagging: When you are dating a guy, never give too much. A mistake that women fall into is that when they care a lot about someone, they tend to worry a lot and give a lot. Worrying a lot puts you in the same category with his mama. When you become his mama it’s game over, because mama will never walk away if he’s acting bad (so he takes advantage of that) . . . and also because no man views his mama as a sexual being, and the last thing you want is for him to start desiring other women. “Don’t drink too much. Are you eating right? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you exercising? Don’t forget to call Mark. Don’t forget to take your vitamins.” You are not his mama! Or his nurse or his nanny or his secretary.
When a woman gives all her time to a man, she becomes emotionally dependant. This is wrong. No guy likes a needy, dependant woman that can’t stand on her own two feet. Never let go of your daily routine for a man; keep your friendships and social life intact, give priority to your work, spend time with your family, and most importantly, always have your “ME” time. Whether it’s hiking, painting, reading a book, your alone time is therapeutic; it allows you to relax and de-stress – versus venting to him . . . all the time . . . like a psycho.
Never ever quit your job to spend more time with him, and what’s worse, depending on him financially. With time he will lose respect for you, start viewing you as a burden and will boss you around and control your life.
Never overdo things. When you start seeing a guy and you cook for him, it comes across as desperate, “I’m trying so hard to please you because I can’t believe a guy actually looked at me.” What’s worse is that he’ll think you cook for every guy you meet. My Ex kept insisting that I cook for him. So I did. He started expecting me to do that on a frequent basis. We stopped going out for dinner and he stopped saying “Thank you”. One day, I “accidentally” burnt his pots, set half the kitchen on fire, and it took 3 days to get the horrible odor out of his apartment. Ever since, we’d always go out for dinner or order in. He even cooked for me a few times, after which I said “Thank you”.
When you’re too nice, a guy gets comfortable and takes you for granted. When a girl gives too much, she usually expects the guy to give more. It never works that way. He will give less and less till one day she’s the only one giving and that’s when she becomes needy and naggy – which only pushes him further away. In this case, take five steps back and focus on yourself. You know who else will be focusing on you? Him of course.
6. The Demanding Diva: Of course every man likes to treat his woman, but no man enjoys feeling that he is expected to all the time without feeling gratitude. A woman may make the man feel that he’s obliged to pay for her dinner and buy her things. She shows no gratitude and even behaves as though she is expecting it. By offering to pay sometimes and by saying thank you every time and showing your gratitude to your man’s generosity and thoughtfulness, he looks forward to doing more for you. Whereas if you act indifferent about it, he doesn’t feel rewarded or appreciated for his efforts and he will stop doing them or even stop seeing you altogether.
You also shouldn’t expect him to do things and then scold him for not doing them. Judge him by who he is and not by his potential. If you can’t accept him as he is, don’t try to change him – simply walk away.
For example, if you want him to call you when he reaches home and he forgets, it sounds ridiculous when you yell at him, “Why didn’t you call me, why?!” If he wanted to call you, he would have.
7. The Predictable Pattern: Never fall into a predictable pattern with a guy. Always keep him on his toes. If he’s used to you calling him three times a day (when you wake up, when you finish lunch, and when you’re off to bed) stop it! Change that pattern. If he expects to see you every evening at 7 pm, change that pattern. If he expects you to answer every time he calls, change that pattern. Nothing kills romance like routine. When two people get too comfortable, they stop making an effort. When everything is predictable, the spark dies. Don’t always be at his beck and call. It’s good to be unavailable from time to time. It’s good that he wonders where you are and what you’re doing. I don’t understand why couples are expected to report back to each other every time they breathe, “Hey baby. I just left home. Just got to Tina’s house. Just stopped by the gas station. Just farted.” It’s B-O-R-I-N-G! It turns your relationship into something robotic, mechanical and void of passion. Informing someone about your plans or about your day should happen naturally, because you want to share . . . not because you feel obligated to do it.
8. The Drama Mama: Don’t hang on every word he says. Focus on his actions. Do not overreact about every single little thing. Do not constantly talk about your feelings and what you’re feeling and how your feelings are hurt. Go eat some chocolate and get over it. Men freak out when they hear the word “feelings” or “emotions”. Never overanalyze what he says or does; his brain is so, so simple. If he comments that some girl has a nice ass, don’t throw a hissy fit. It’s not like he’s going to pounce on her; he’s probably just saying it to get a reaction from you. Don’t scream or cry or shout while you’re arguing with him – keep your composure so that he takes you seriously. When a man calls you dramatic, it’s because he perceives you as emotional. Men consider emotional people childish and do not take them seriously. Keep that in mind the next time your mascara is running down your cheeks as you wail at him, “YOU DON’T LOVE ME! YOU DON’T APPRECIATE ME! I HAVE FEELINGS. I NEED ATTENTION. NAG NAG NAG.” Chill. It’s logical: if too much talking bothers men, why not try doing the opposite? Don’t talk at all. Distance yourself. That ought to get his attention and send your message across without all the drama.
Men can be children. Women can be idiots. We all have our flaws, but if we try to learn a bit more about how the other sex functions, we’d all know how to communicate and behave better – and avoid the “What went wrong? Everything was perfect,” sob story.
Always remember, a man is not responsible for your happiness; you are.
“Well done is better than well said.” Benjamin Franklin