In dire need of humor while procrastinating at work, I found myself browsing through thechive.com where I found something interesting about the deadly words that women say to men. The problem is, women are very expressive. We can talk for hours; talk and talk till we’re all talked out, and the more we talk the less men listen. When we are really in one of those moods, we are very brief and limit our self-expression to two words or less – just like men – except what we say is rarely ever what we mean. Men still don’t understand this because they are simple and direct.
I’d like to add my two cents to the nine deadly words I came across today, in hopes that I may contribute in facilitating the communication process between simple men and their complex women.
Fine: When a woman tells you “I’m fine” after you’ve ticked her off, be sure that in her head she’s already killed you 5 times. She is anything but fine. She is furious. She still wants to argue and she wants to make sure that you’re as crushed as she is before she feels fine.
Similarly, if you’ve made plans for a romantic getaway and decide to cancel last minute because you have some work to finish up or because your friend is flying into town, you will ask her if it’s okay that she stays home and she will respond with “fine”. You may kiss her on the forehead and hug her for being so supportive, but she’s not. You better find a way to make it up to her very fast or she will unleash all hell’s fury on you after her long talking hiatus.
Five Minutes: You’re going out for dinner. You reach her place and wait for her in the car to finish getting dressed. She tells you she needs five minutes. It means she probably just got out of the shower and is still drying her hair. Even if she’s ready and fully dressed, it’ll take her a while to stare at herself in the mirror, pick at her split ends, adjust her cleavage, re-think her choice of shoes, make sure her dress isn’t too long or too short and examine her butt for a good five minutes alone. This means, when she says “I need five minutes” you can safely conclude that she needs 20 to 40 more minutes.
Learn it, live it, love it.
Some men have made the mistake of leaving the girl’s house after a 10 minute wait to teach her a lesson. That is called “playing with fire.” She will snap at you with accusations of how you’re discourteous, inconsiderate and offensive (regardless of her making you wait half an hour). Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she will be the victim of disrespect no matter what.
Nothing: You know that something is wrong; you feel it in your bones. You must have done or said something that really pissed her off. This usually occurs in a public setting or at least in the presence of a third person. You ask her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing.” Usually “nothing” is followed by silence and if she acknowledges your presence, it’s usually with a very cold stare. The longer the silence, the bigger the argument. Prepare yourself. There’s usually no way out of this. If you choose to accept that nothing is wrong, she will find a way to blow it out of proportion and label you as insensitive and ignorant. If you keep asking, be ready to accept that you’ve done something wrong although you’ll be called an idiot for not know what your mistake was.
Go Ahead: She is not giving you her consent, she is testing you. If you want to do something like have dinner with your ex-girlfriend or go somewhere like a strip club with your friends, she’ll tell you “go ahead.” What she really means though is “don’t you f***ing dare!”
Of course, you will end up going. Be prepared to receive the cold shoulder for hours, maybe days. Expect for her to go on a girls’ night out and return home drunk at 5 am. If you express your disappointment towards her behavior, she’ll accuse you of having double standards. If you act indifferent about it, she’ll keep poking at you till you explode. Either way, you’re going to suffer till you repent.
Loud Sigh: This is usually expressed when there are no words for her to convey how much of a douche bag she thinks you are. In her head there are hundreds of insults flying around, all directed at you. The long sigh embodies the 685 insults in a graceful manner. This can happen at the beginning or ending of an argument when she realizes, “what am I doing with this idiot?”Of course since you’re oblivious to what this sigh really means, you’re only confirming to her that you are indeed, an idiot.
That’s Okay: You admit to doing something wrong, like lying to her. With a kind and understand smile she says, “That’s okay.” This is a code red. If you look hard enough you’ll notice the redness begin to form in her eyes and the veins starting to pop out of her neck. Days and weeks may pass before you realize that she has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get her revenge. Always remember that a woman can never be this calm when you do something to piss her off, and the natural balance of the universe will not be restored she releases the wrath of hell upon you.
Thanks: This can be genuine and sincere. Be warned of the undertone because there’s a thin line between sincerity and sarcasm. If she emphasizes her thank you, “Thanks a lot” you better know that she wants to murder you. The worst thing you can do at this point is say, “You’re welcome.” In this case, you’re either stupid, pretending to be stupid or just a full-fledged idiot. Either way, you’re not getting a “get out of jail free” card. She will make you suffer.
Whatever: This is the crème de la crème of the deadly words. When a woman says this, it means she can’t be bothered to argue. When a woman reaches the point where she finds it useless to get angry or nag or argue or prove a point or solve a problem, it means your stupidity has killed every last ounce of passion in the relationship. Of course, she will still hope that you get raped by a herd of mad goats, stomped by them, and then grovel in the dirt till you get second degree burns from the sun until you rot.
Don’t worry, I got it: This comes after she has asked you to do something several times, but ends up doing it herself. Of course, she will then give you the cold shoulder after which you’ll ask her what’s wrong. She’ll say “nothing” followed by an argument, followed by a “that’s okay” followed by a loud sigh after which you’ll do something to make up for it, to which she’ll say “thanks”. Whatever you do, her mindset will be “too little, too late.”
I’m not saying women are melodramatic beings who hold grudges and seek revenge because we’re operated by malevolence. I’m also not saying men are ignorant buffoons that wouldn’t know right from wrong if it hit them on the head. I’m just surprised we can get along at all, but it’s our differences that make it all so fascinating.
“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” Oscar Wilde