La Wlooo!!!…Why Vampires Are Sexier Than Men

Little girls grew up watching fairy tales, where the prince on the white horse arrives to woo and rescue his soon-to-be princess. Just as we miserably realized that this son of a prince doesn’t exist, a new trend kicked in: vampire movies.
Yes, vampires are intended to be scary, gruesome, creatures of the darkest places, but not anymore. Thanks to the Twilight Saga’s sexy Edward and The Vampire Diaries’ beautiful brothers Damon and Stefan, vampires are the new craze that women everywhere are just dying for (no pun intended).

Being a vampire fanatic myself, I decided to put together a few points – based on my opinion – on why these vampire characters are just so much more awesome than the real men we unfortunately deal with on a day to day basis. Can men take pointers from these blood-sucking fiends? I say heck yeah!

Vampires are Charming: What woman doesn’t love to be swept off her feet? Vampires are always so charming, of course because they were born at least 400 years ago and acquired proper breeding and manners; whether it’s dancing the waltz or kissing a woman’s hand, they have perfected their charm and charisma.
This beats the “hey! Nice ass” remark that we hear every now and then, and the “sorry, I don’t dance” excuse. Allow me to shrug: UGH!!

Vampires are Romantic: One would think that being dead would sort of, you know, kill your feelings. But no, vampires are filled with emotions and drama. The sexy vampire male lead is always a hopeless romantic (and of course, is always in love with an ugly, always dramatic girl). The vampire will love his woman from the depth of his soul and will stop at nothing to please her (once again, this is quite ridiculous since he’s supposedly dead and soulless).
This beats a man not even once attempting to open the car door for his lady.

Vampires are Eternal: Not only do they live forever, but their love is forever as well. The vampire may pick the ugliest girl of the bunch, but he will worship her for eternity. What if she tragically dies? He will roam the earth for 200 years, searching for ways to bring her back to life.
This sure as heck beats a guy who falls out of love after four years and falls into cheating  because “four years was such a long time – it killed the romance.” Try 400!

Vampires are HOT: has anyone other than me paid attention to how absolutely perfect and gorgeous these vampire men are? Pardon me while I catch my breath, but I believe these actors were custom-made to make women’s hearts melt, everywhere. This is probably why almost every vampire movie is a chick flick. You simply cannot watch it with your man because you’ll inevitably compare him to the vampire hunk and as a result, you’ll loathe him.
Why? Because male vampires have insanely sexy bodies and intensely magnetic eyes – EPIC sexiness!
This beats the “I’m eight months pregnant” belly that so many men flaunt.

Vampires are Wise: Yes, the wisdom they’ve acquired over the centuries puts an encyclopedia to shame. And what woman doesn’t love learning about the world from her vampire man? He’s literally been to every corner of the earth, probably speaks 17 languages, and knows how to bring peace to the Middle East.
Once again, *sigh*.
This beats the philosophizers (who actually know nothing) whose conversation we pretend to be interested in.

Vampires are Impeccable Dressers: Once again, HOT! It’s either super cool/sexy or extremely neat/slick. Either way, the vampire will walk through a room and turn every woman’s (and man’s) head. Why? ‘Cause he’s HOT!
This beats men who dress like they’re homeless hobos with no mirror and no sense of style, color, or logic.

Vampires are Strong: A vampire will stop at nothing to offer the utmost protection to his lady (once again, no matter how ugly she is; *cough* Bella *cough*). Sorry, I do not usually cough while I’m typing.
He will fight other evil vampires, werewolves, and boring humans, all to protect the love of his 450-year-old life. If a vampire is in Miami and his woman is in Moscow, he will sense if she’s in danger and come to rescue her within seconds.
Now why don’t men do that? – I’m kidding, chill.
This beats a pretend-macho man who likes to do a “mashkal” outside the club to score points with the hopefully horrified and unfortunate girl that’s with him.

Vampires are Dangerous: In a sexy way of course. They are probably dangerous to everyone except the woman they love. When he is a danger to his woman, he always ends up looking good and scoring points because he fought the urge to bite her (yummy!). This is usually followed by drama, tears, and bonding – and possibly vampire sex – but the point is, the vampire even makes biting, blood, drama, and tears look sexy.
This beats the “Abul Ghadab” tattoo biker who thinks he looks dangerous because people don’t look at him (when in reality people look away to avoid laughing in his face . . . because it’s rude).

Men everywhere probably have a raised eyebrow right now and are thinking “who does she think she is to generalize men and compare us to a fictional species and expect us to be more like them?!”
(Now please repeat that sentence in a Texan accent)

Ah well, vampires are fictional indeed – unfortunately (yes, I do have a sick love for vampires). And men, you can all rest assured because us women don’t even expect you to aspire to be a gentleman* (or put down the toilet seat), let alone have a vampire’s sense of class, style, and manners. We lost all inklings of hope long, long, ago – you’ve successfully taken that away, but you can’t take away our silly dreams of someday finding a man like Edward or Damon or Stefan (minus the blood-drinking and neck-biting).

*a real species (I promise)

“A gentleman may love like a lunatic, but not like a beast.” François de la Rochefoucauld