La Wlooo!!!…Too Cool For School

Teacher’s day is an occasion to give thanks to the beautiful minds that helped shape our method of thinking, behaving, and living. Out of the four schools and university that I’ve attended, there are a good few teachers and professors that I will never forget; some because of how they inspired me and others because of how they disgusted me. I haven’t thought of my teachers in a while, but the incidents of Friday night put quite the spotlight on horrible high school professors.

Teacher’s day was celebrated this week in Lebanon; and just like every year, I must encounter some form of human disaster on this date. Friday night was no exception, when some friends and I decided to dine in a charming and authentic Lebanese venue, far away from the Beirut city bustle. We wanted a calm evening to enjoy some of our country’s delicious chardonnay and relax after a long week. To our horrible luck, at least 60 teachers from some strict catholic school decided to celebrate their teacher’s day in that very place bringing with them the most obnoxious entertainer (singer/pianist). You’d think strict catholic school teachers would have some manners and poise, but no. I have seen buffaloes, wild boars, and warthogs with more etiquette (and less body fat), and just imagining having those people as my teachers made me feel faint. Where do I begin on how horrifying their behavior was?

What looked like a bulldozer 400 pound lady was picking her teeth (with her thumb) all night. At some point, I questioned whether she was cleaning her teeth or filing her nails. After three hours of devouring her friends’ share of the food, she looked rather glum that the feast had come to an end. I couldn’t imagine how this entity was a teacher. How did children look at this beast all day long? How did they manage to learn from her – whether it’s information or manners? On a final note, did she also pick her teeth in class (or did she pick her nose instead)?

Every one of the women looked like they had escaped from a brothel. With skintight leather outfits, leopard print shoes, and red faux fur blouses, it was like a scene out of a circus act – especially when they’re 40 year old women, shaking what their mama gave them all over the dance floor. I felt the earth move and the walls crumble as they bombarded the one 70 year old male professor that was happily enjoying the beastly female attention. He felt and looked like a star, gesturing each female to take a 10 minute break from wiping the plates clean to dance with him. I can only imagine being a teenager again and running into one of my teachers looking like that – high school would have been a different experience altogether.

On the way to the ladies’ room, I was attacked by a drunken male instructor who was older than my dead great-grandfather. It was awkward that a corpse was coming on to me, but who could blame a male teacher for becoming a pedophile when he’s surrounded by Godzilla’s female descendants all day long. The evening seemed like a frightening scene from the movie “Gorillas in the Mist”, and the most frightened among us was a colleague of theirs: a nun. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing there and how she was feeling about her fellow educators. I bet she questioned the very existence of God and contemplated handing in her resignation. She looked very disappointed, but I believe it’s because the 400 pound lady ate her food.

I felt thankful that I had come across some decent teachers throughout the duration of my education; teachers that actually taught me a useful thing or two. As I said, there are some I will never forget; the beautiful 4th grade English teacher that taught me the importance of reading books and wearing sun block, the inspirational 6th grade choir teacher who made me realize I can sing and influenced my love for music, the beautiful 10th grade biology teacher who triggered my curiosity for science, creation, and the human body. I was also reminded of my 8th grade half-deaf, half-dead Arabic teacher whose breath smelt like death, my 8th grade chemistry teacher who was a full-fledged child-molesting whore cougar, my 10th grade physics teacher who spoke like a Chinese man with Down syndrome, my 8th grade religion teacher who always had saliva hanging from his upper lip and who only taught us that nail-biting makes our fingers smell of saliva (yuck), and finally my 11th grade philosophy teacher who only talked about the penis, the vagina, the orgasm, and collecting playboy magazines. When the day comes, I won’t allow my children anywhere near such ogres “educators”.

I’m not saying that teachers can’t have fun – they are human beings like all of us, but these are the people that are shaping the minds of Lebanon’s youth. My friends and I insisted on asking what school they all worked in so that we’d never send our future children there. No wonder children lack manners, no wonder they lack culture, and no wonder they pick up on the worst habits after a 7 hour school day. I say raise the bar a little regarding the qualifications of educators. After all, these are the people that are determining the course of our country’s future.

Do you remember any of your weird teachers? What about the professors that inspired you? Share your stories.

“There are three good reasons to be a teacher – June, July and August.”