La Wlooo!!!…Miss Lebanon 2011: The Bimbo Parade

Illustration by Carl Halal

After years of not watching the Miss Lebanon beauty pageant (or any beauty pageant for that matter) I decided to tune in after the fifth inside joke I heard about the participants. I must admit, it was the biggest waste of three precious hours of my life. Picking at my cuticles would have been more meaningful.
For starters, whatever happened to the women of quality that used to join this pageant? Women that were actually educated, intelligent, and beautiful (minus the unsuccessful rhinoplasty).
Not only did these girls rank less “than average to fugly” on the beauty scale, but also their IQ levels are two digits! I understand how stage fright can affect a person’s performance; but come on, that bad?!
After finally overcoming my shock at the freak show I just watched, I decided it’s only fair to point out just how ridiculous last night’s show was.

The host: this guy should be fined for being so lame. He annoyed me even more than all the girls. He also had more make up on his face than all the contestants. His fake smile that remained frozen on his face for three hours made my cheekbones hurt.
At one point, when he was introducing a contestant, he said: “Alice bet hebb el rasem wel maquillage; ya3ni bterssom wejja rassem!”
OMG! No jolly host, you didn’t just say that!
Well, at least he was competent enough to realize how stupid the girls’ answers were as he kept reassuring the judges that the girls were nervous (as if that’s a valid excuse for brain death).

The Swimsuit Contest: In brief, it made me dizzy. Not because the girls’ bodies were smokin’ hot (as if), but because of the way they kept swaying that fabric all over the place. It was like Swan Lake gone bad. I tried to envision what the choreographer told these girls to do because they must have misunderstood. Their routine was anything but graceful. It was anything but sexy. Their facial expressions were so weird, “I am so hot. I am in love with myself. I want to make love to all this joyous fabric around me.” I was embarrassed for them. There was that one girl that was like a circus performer; getting a bit too aggressive with all that fabric, she almost tripped and fell. She avoided it so gracefully though by kicking at the fabric like a mule.

I’m not sure these girls understand what “demeaning” means as they are standing there, frozen, half naked on stage with their hair flying in the wind *barf*, getting different scores according to their face, posture, walk, butt, breasts, thighs, height, weight. They are actually proud of being displayed like cows at a county fair. Oh, and since this is such a defining moment in the contest, I couldn’t understand how one of the contestants had the guts to parade around on stage as she showed off her thunder thighs and monster butt . . . she was also selected among the top ten. (Wassta much?)

The Evening Gown Contest: “See the ladies at their finest,” said the lamer than life host. Talk about not doing justice to a Reem Acra dress. In all fairness, there were three pretty girls. Shouldn’t there have been a better filtration process while selecting the contestants for Miss Lebanon? I am shocked. If these were the finalists, how horrendous were the hundreds of girls that applied? That being said, didn’t they practice walking in their high heels and evening gowns? It was like the walk of the dinosaurs and sasquatches. And what was worse than their walking? Their Talking . . .

The Questions: WOW! Wow, wow, wow! The million-dollar question of the evening:
Q: . . . So if you were given 100,000 LBP, what would you buy with it?
A: I would buy ambitions, my voice, and the ability to achieve goals.

She stood there with the utmost degree of pride, as the audiences couldn’t resist laughing at her. The host laughed as well. As a matter of fact, I believe that viewers all around the Arab world laughed. This girl will be labeled as the “100,000 LBP Idiot” for the rest of her life. Regardless, and by some miracle *cough* wassta, this contestant received high scores.

Let’s not forget the other pathetic answers; most of which did not even answer the question. For instance:
Q: If you became Miss Lebanon and started getting trashed via Facebook, how would you react?
A: People do not have to use Facebook for political reasons. You don’t have to accept people you don’t know.
Not only is her attention span very poor, but also her trail of thought is truly something else!

Or, the highly emotional philosophizer:
Q: There are no female members in the newly formed parliament. How does that make you feel?
A: I am VERY upset that there are no females (sayyidet) in parliament!!! A woman raises her family and raises society. She symbolizes society!
The anger, the passion, the butt-kissing.

Or the repetitive nonsense:
Q: If you win the Miss Lebanon title, you know what you will win. But, what would you lose?
A: I would lose my privacy, you know, because people would be watching my every move; every time I go out, wherever I go. And you know, privacy is so important but what I will be winning will make up for that loss. Privacy is important.
You know . . . privacy . . . you know . . . it’s important . . . but it’s not . . . but it is . . .

And last but not least, the girl that sounded like a cat:
Q: The Jeita Grotto is competing for a spot amongst the Seven Wonders of the World. As you know the voting is taking place on the Internet. You have one minute to encourage audiences to vote.
A: (In her annoying pussycat voice) Since Lebanon is based on TOURISM, PLEASE vote so Lebanon can THRIVE based on its TOURISM because nothing endures in Lebanon except TOURISM!!!
I’m sure she needed a Xanax . . . or three. For some reason Hitler came to mind . . . and cats getting raped . . .

The Audience: Let’s say one half was completely bored out of their minds and didn’t even pretend to be amused while the other half, the parents, were so proud that their daughters were on stage and on TV. Yes, I blame the parents for encouraging that type of silly behavior.

Ragheb Alami: I love him, everyone loves him; he’s a superstar! BUT, what was up with that lip-syncing? Is it just me or was the synchronization completely off?? Tsk tsk Ragheb! Well, at least Mr. Alami gave the best speech of the evening – it sure as heck beat anything that came out of those bimbos’ mouths.

The dancers: One word, four syllables: Epilepsy.
They weren’t even moving to the rhythm. My favorite was the dance routine with those big white fluffy feathers. So, you have a bunch of men dressed in white suits, bouncing around on stage while fluffing their white feathers all over the place. Just dandy.

The Winner: She was not even the least bit surprised by the result. Apart from her bizarre facial expression throughout the show, as though her heart was about to explode from all the excitement, she seemed pretty calm and cool about it all. She must have known she’d win because of her super intelligent answer:
Q: Do you agree that a man is controlled by his head while a woman is controlled by her heart?
A: A woman represents motherhood so yes, she thinks with her heart; whereas a man is strong like a rock (WTF?) . . . But I encourage them both to use their heart and their head.

These sad little girls are seeking fame at any cost. It doesn’t matter how much they embarrass themselves as long as they prove to everyone around them that they are perfect (according to those mediocre standards of course). As a perceptive friend of mine told me, all that matters to a 19 year old on that stage is proving to her Qatar-bound boyfriend that she is close to perfect, hence marriage material; and thus worthy of being his wife. Bring on the ring!
They all want to cure world hunger. They all enjoy swimming and dancing. They all aim for world peace and unity and everything else that Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and the United Nations failed to achieve.

I believe the glory and glamour that once came with obtaining a Miss Lebanon title died a while back when the quality of these women went down so low. It has turned into a modeling competition featuring brainless infants with ugly fake noses and hopes of finding a husband because they are “pretty”. Only a stupid, superficial man would fall for something like that. Just like only a stupid, superficial girl would participate in such a contest in order to validate her beauty and gain fame (not insecure at all)!

Even for something as superficial and silly as beauty contests, the elimination or filtration process should follow higher standards with regards to everything. I am hoping that they raise the bar next year because the woman chosen to represent all other Lebanese women should be beautiful, smart, ambitious, and educated. It shames me that viewers all around the world would think for a minute that those contestants represent the best of the Lebanese female population. Nevertheless, the show was quite a comic relief for me; even funnier than Borat.

To all the quality women out there, celebrate your independence, self-confidence, achievements, brains, and beauty because you know you have them and you don’t need a bunch of judges plus a wassta to tell you who you are or how good you look in a bikini.

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”