1. No we do not enjoy watching boring action movies and sports games we know nothing about, so it wouldn’t kill you to watch “The Fashion Police” with us every once in a while without complaining that your testosterone levels are dropping.
2. No we do not enjoy getting waxed at the salon. It’s time, money, and energy wasted on agonizing physical pain, so it wouldn’t hurt you to trim your nose hairs and tweeze your unibrow. We also understand that you’re a man and you’re entitled to chest hair, but please don’t abuse the privilege. If you can braid them, shave them!
3. We also burp and fart . . . in private. How would you feel if your woman rubbed her belly and burped after each meal?
4. We get our nails manicured on a weekly basis so that our delicate lady hands remain soft, polished, and appealing. We’re not asking you to have lady hands too, but we don’t want you to have Godzilla hands either. Cut your nails, push back your cuticles, and don’t chew at them. It’s quite simple.
5. We have eyes; we can see when your vision wanders from our face to our breasts. Please keep in mind that there is no way to be subtle about it. If you want to sneak a peek while we’re not watching, go ahead, but don’t gawk at them while we’re talking to you. Eww.
6. You’ll never understand what PMS truly is . . . neither will we. We don’t PMS every month, but we still enjoy the privilege of acting like monsters with you when we can simply blame it on PMS. It’s the perfect excuse to call you a stupid prick. You may think it’s a lame excuse, but it’s not – it’s a darn great one.
7. We’d rather be with a man who doesn’t dance rather than with a man who can’t dance but still insists on dancing like he’s at a gay parade. If you don’t know your moves, sit down. Contrary to Abba’s song, you are not the dancing queen.
8.Whether we’re out on our 1st or 93rd dinner together, we want dessert. Whether we ask for it or not, we want dessert. Whether we’re dieting or not, we want dessert. When you’re in doubt, order us dessert (preferably something with lots of chocolate) – why? Because we want dessert.
9. If we love you, we will turn into worriers. We will worry about what you eat, how you sleep, and everything else. We do not like hearing that we are like your mother; so instead of complaining, appreciate that a female of the world actually gives a crap about you.
10. Whether you’re going to the beach, the supermarket, or to your cousin’s wedding, we expect you to look sexy and smell good. Whether you are bathed or not, drowned in cologne or just back from the gym, it’s all the same to us as long as you smell good; even if it’s your natural manly smell (but as long as it’s not a bad case of body odor – unacceptable).
11. If you wear a suit or a tuxedo the right way, you’ll have the power to make any girl swoon over you – you’ll have the power to turn us into porn stars. True Story.
12. We understand there’s a three day rule to calling a girl after you first meet her. We don’t like that rule. It’s become so cliché and we don’t like men who need to plan their every move. This is not a board game, so spontaneity won’t give you an ulcer. Call us the next day; not only will be appreciate it, but we’ll appreciate you.
13. We don’t like virgin men, but we don’t like men who screw whores either. If you spend your nights in “cabaret central”, it’s nothing to brag about. If you have to pay a woman 50 bucks to get down and dirty with you, it’s nothing to brag about. During sleepovers, we laugh about sex-payers like you.
14. When we ask you what outfit we should wear, just pick one! We won’t wear the one you choose so don’t be angry; but nevertheless, pick one!
15. Never underestimate a woman’s instinct. We’ll know you’re going to cheat before you even know it. No matter what tactic you choose to hide it, we’ll know. If we don’t tell you anything about it, it’s because we’re devising a plan to ruin your life. You never know, we could also become friends with your new slut while we’re at the nail salon. We function that way.
16. Differentiate between your ex-girlfriends and your ex-f*** buddies. If you call your ex-girlfriend a whore, it means you’ll call us a whore too at some point. As for your ex-f*** buddies, we don’t care for them; your relationship CV is like your professional CV; focus on quality.
17. We never stop thinking; whether we’re sleeping, eating, driving, watching TV . . . we never stop thinking. We understand you can’t multitask, and so you fall into deep trances of nothingness, but we can think, type, take a phone call, and kiss you good morning all at once. Embrace that and don’t be surprised when we keep asking you what you’re thinking about . . . we just haven’t registered yet how empty you are inside.
18. If we’re playing with our hair, it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re flirting with you, it could mean we’re so bored that we’re amusing ourselves with something else . . . or maybe because you’re standing way too close that we can see the back of your tonsils. On that note, we hate being smothered with kisses and hugs on a first date. Keep your tongue, lips, and hands to yourself. We don’t appreciate being harassed by a horny beast.
19. We understand that you’re the man and no being is more powerful than you, but you won’t bust a nut if you ask for directions when you’re lost. I believe that’s the biggest turn on ever: a man who admits to not knowing something and takes the initiative of finding out.
20. We take way too long to get ready, we know that. That being said, we love how it always takes you 12 minutes to get ready (whether it’s for a football game or for a cocktail dinner). If you take more time to get dressed, we’ll wonder what you’re doing in there.
21. No, not all of us are programmed to get married, and not all of us are devising evil plans to get you to pop the question. Many of us are actually very happy being independent.
22. Every woman is attracted to other women, to a certain degree of course. Why? ‘Cause we’re so darn hot!
23. All women have expensive taste and like expensive things; so even if your woman is simple and easygoing, it would still be nice to buy her those nice diamond earrings.
25. Stop watching too much porn and trying to reenact it in real life unless you want a wailing, screeching, freak-beast woman. Real-life sex is totally different.
26. No matter how ugly, unsuccessful, short, fat, or bald you are, if you’re funny, we’ll go out with you.
27. We don’t like men who call themselves pimps or who dress like pimps. For starters, look up the meaning in the dictionary. It’s so ugly when you wear dark shades at night, big gold rings on your pinky finger, or big gold chains around your neck.
28. We like sexy fit bodies, but it’s a big turn-off when you look as though you’ve pumped air into your biceps at the petrol station. Never count your calories in front of us and never act anorexic like food is the enemy; only women are entitled to that annoying privilege.
29. There is nothing sexier than a man who helps us cook, clean, and wash the dishes. Yummy!
30. When we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, you better put your arm around us (whether we are in a fight or not), and oh you are in deep sh** if we are the ones that have to introduce ourselves.
31. “Bros before Hoes” . . . sure darling. Would you like us to count how many times your friends have tried to hit on us? That being said, our enemies better not be your friends.
32. We never need more than 4 minutes in the WC. When we’re in the ladies’ room for half an hour, it’s because other girls are making us wait; while doing that, we start playing with each others’ breasts (okay don’t get too excited, I was just kidding).
33. When you say “I made her come 14 times”, we’ll just laugh at you. You were fake-orgasmed!
34. Your obsession with your Play station, X Box, iPad, or whatever, is pathetic . . . especially when we walk into the room and you treat us like we’re invisible. I’ll tell you what we really think about your new top score, we’d like to take it and shove it up your a-hole.
PS. In the spirit of Mother’s Day, mothers are still women who enjoy nice gifts like a designer bag, earrings, Louboutin shoes . . . if you can’t buy them anything useful, buy or make them something thoughtful. Do not buy them pots, pans, and orange juicers . . . do not buy them coffee makers or a new oven. They do not live in the kitchen! Enough sexism please; it’s no longer the 1800’s. Aside to Exotica’s beautiful billboard ad, all the other Mother’s Day ads were shameful.
On that note, Happy Mother’s Day to all you fabulous women out there, especially my extraordinary mother. You are queens, heroines, and miracle workers. God bless you all.
“We drink till you’re cute, too” Judy Grear