La Wlooo!!… PMS: Beauty & The Beast

As if being a woman weren’t hard enough, we had to be “cursed” with “that time of the month” as well. And as if men didn’t complain about us enough, they have an extra reason to do that every month for the rest of our lives (or until menopause at least) – and by then we’d all be too old to bother talking, let alone arguing.

Since “rivalry” and confusion between men and women has existed long before the invention of the cheese sandwich, I decided to clarify (in my opinion) why women are monsters during the wonderful days of PMS (Pre-menstrual syndrome).

As much as women like to complain about it, I think that deep down we are all thankful for having a few days a month where we have a good excuse to behave as we please; and we can be as mean, angry, annoyed, and fussy as we want. A lady must act like a lady at all times (I try to keep it at a good 50-50, for my sanity’s sake); it’s hard work – especially when we watch men walk around topless, scratch their balls, spit in public, pee at the side of the road, burp, fart, smell bad, etc. And all though that type of behavior is absolutely disgusting (even for men), they are allowed to do it – for them, it’s justified. Although it will never be acceptable for women to act that way, and although we don’t care to act that way either, that type of liberation does create some feelings of envy in us. So when PMS-ing, we can complain from dusk till dawn, and although those around us may be contemplating how to kill us, they can’t do anything about it since our behavior is justified – it’s a privilege (and a curse) that can’t be taken away from us.

I have heard time and time again about how Ms. PMS is late, is cranky, has cramps, has cravings, is in pain, is tired, and wishes to stab her boyfriend or husband 5 times in the face (why? why not!). For the remainder of the month, she absolutely adores her man – the simple thought of him makes her smile; but during this time, his face represents all that is ugly and awful in the world. His voice makes her heart beat faster (and I don’t mean that in a good or romantic way), his actions (whether romantic gestures or routine behavior) make her want to cry with misery (or turn into King Kong and climb a building). Why? I believe it’s the price men have to pay (just for being men).

No matter how great you are as a man, stay away from a PMS-ing woman; or if you insist on being around her, simply ignore the beast and everything she says and/or does for that duration (although I must warn you – that will piss her off even more). How can you win in this situation? You can’t.

How can you improve living conditions?
Buy the beast chocolate?  – She’ll love you for it for 5 minutes; right until she wolfs down the last chunk . . . then she’ll hate you for making her fat. Instead, you could keep chocolate scattered around the house – when she eats it, she’ll hate herself instead, but that will also result in her hating you (the result will always be the same, sorry).

Show her how much you love her?  – She’ll be skeptical about every word you utter; she will call you a liar and accuse you of cheating on her because you do not love her anymore. Anything you do at this point will result in her crying, shouting, or wishing you were dead (so fake an injury or act as if you’re in pain; this will calm her down).

Show her how much it pains you to see her in pain? – What? Does everything always have to be about you? (It’s not always a competition you know). She will hate you for being miserable or happy (a.k.a. selfish and insensitive) at this time.

I for one try my very best to control my temper, anger, and hormonal imbalances when I’m pms-ing; I constantly remind myself that I have a loving family, great friends, and wonderful boyfriend that don’t deserve to witness my monstrosity (when that doesn’t work, anti-anxiety pills always do the trick).

Women are the most loving, caring creatures on earth. We love our friends (in Lebanon, that involves back-stabbing them, envying them, gossiping about them behind their backs), we love our families, our men, our pets, our shoes . . . Point being, we have a lot of love to give away; and since I’m a firm believer of yin and yang, all that loving, and caring must be balanced with an equal amount of hatred and monstrosity.

To all those women out there who prefer to keep their inner beast hidden at all times, I am in no way over generalizing (as far as your men are concerned, you are sweet angels). And to all those men out there who feel angry, disgusted, and cannot tolerate PMS-ing women (or women in general), please go pray for the existence of a third sex on earth; it could solve the problems of many, if not all.

“Do you know why they call it ‘PMS’? Because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.”

By Rita Dahdah