La Wlooo!!… Broken-Hearted Girls

Following last week’s “Broken-Hearted Boys”, here’s a little heartbreak insight for the ladies. I will only mention the top two scenarios I hear about the most (and wish to never hear about, ever again).

Scenario Number 1: The Slithery Slimy Rico Suave
You meet your “Prince Charming” – he is Mr. Perfect; the handsome (vain), sweet-talking (lying), charismatic (patiently awaiting sex), suave (sly), mysterious man you’ve always dreamed of (the reason he’s so mysterious is because he’s a liar – wake up women).  A few weeks into it, while you’re telling your friends he’s your boyfriend, he’s telling his friends you’re his “friend” (with a wink); and while you’re falling for the reptile, he’s busy finding a way out.

What he said: Absolutely nothing.

(Translation: He stopped answering your calls and started ignoring you because, a) he doesn’t care, or b) he’s a disrespectful and cowardly swine.)
What he meant: “Please don’t call me. Forget about me. I don’t like or want you anymore and I assume that by not calling you, you’ll understand and never bother me again.”

Your question is: “Oh my GOD! What happened? I need to know! Why did he leave? I need my closure or I can’t move on! Nag! Nag! Nag!”  (Seriously?)

Your question should be: “Why am I still sulking over a man-whore who dumped me in such a disrespectful way? He doesn’t respect me, but don’t I respect myself?”

The verdict: He wanted to have fun with you, either to forget an ex-girl friend or simply because he’s “just not ready for a relationship” (i.e. he is, but not with you). When he realized that you are so stupidly in love with him, he felt choked and decided to run away like the mouse that he is. There are two scenarios:
a) He wanted to have sex, you didn’t, so he left to find someone else to answer to his needs.
b) He wanted to have sex, you gave him what he wanted (quicker than you could say “Hi, How are you?”) so he got bored (no more “thrill of the chase”) and left.

Whatever the reason, it would have never worked out because he wasn’t in a relationship mindset. Forget about him; don’t call or stalk him – it’s called preserving your dignity!

Scenario Number 2: The “Waste of Your Time” Hypocrite
You have been in this relationship for years. He has told you time and time again that you are the one for him and that he’ll never leave you. When there’s a problem, he tells you to be strong and have faith because you love each other and that’s all that matters (forgive him; he wasn’t breast-fed enough). One day he suddenly realizes that it can’t ever work out.

What he said: “You were the one for me, but things changed – you changed. I realized that I’m not ready to take the next step and I don’t want to waste your time (oh . . . how caring and selfless). We want different things. I hope we can be friends. I wish you the best.” (So cliché and full of sh**)

What he meant: “I am emotionally immature and do not understand the value or meaning of a commitment or a promise. I have changed; when I started growing chest hair, I realized that I want to be single again and do all the cool things single guys do – but since I’m a coward, I will make you feel that you’re the reason we broke up so that you don’t hate me and make my life hell.”

Your question is: “Cry, sob, weep!!!! Oohhhh, why did he leave me?? How can I get him back?? I already wasted so much time on him. How will I ever live without him?”

Your question should be: “Didn’t I have a life before him? Yes. Won’t I have a life after him? Yes. Will I lose faith in men because of him? No. Will I make my friends’ lives a living hell with my dim-witted crying and nagging? NO.”

The verdict: Please get yourself together woman. Thank your lucky stars that you did not end up marrying this sorry excuse of a man because your marriage would have ended in ruins. Love must stand the test of time, and if he doesn’t want to be with you after 5 years, it means he never loved you to begin with (when it’s right, feelings don’t fade away).

Please cry alone, do not say your life is over (because after a few months you’ll realize how pathetic you sounded), do not make people around you miserable, do not ask for advice that you’ll never take (because your friends will get so sick of your thick head), do not ask “WHY” this happened (because it won’t change anything . . . and it’s pretty darn obvious!), and PLEASE, do not forward emails and blackberry messages about how men should treat their sensitive, loving women (because it’s so obvious that it’s a pathetic cry for attention).

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!”
This is a famous quote that is usually mistakenly associated with William Shakespeare. It in fact belongs to a play, “The Mourning Bride” (1697) by a playwright and poet called William Congreve. If that quote is not hardcore enough for you, here’s the complete excerpt: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

So to all you men (or lesbians) out there, you must understand that even in the 17th century, men knew better than to scorn women. With that said, please don’t mess with your woman (just because you can) because if she doesn’t take her anger out on you, her friends (possibly me) will be listening to her sobbing, screaming, and nagging forever (or until she meets someone better). Respect should never be forgotten, so always exit a relationship with grace and ease; when something is left messy, it will always be messy, and will come back to haunt you.

To all you ladies, here’s a thought: no matter how much you love a person, don’t ever forget how you deserve to be treated (if he can’t live up to it, leave as fast as you can and don’t look back).

By Rita Dahdah