As summer is reaching its end, and goodbyes are inevitable, I realized that many couples I know are breaking up as well. Could it be seasonal bipolarity? Or a trend perhaps (let’s all get tattoos, get married, cry, break up, be gay)? Regardless of the reason, I am tired of seeing tears and hearing the following question, “WHY?!”
I know I’m not Dr. Phil or Oprah, but there are some very logical answers as to why you got dumped!
This week, it’s for the boys (and I am going to be very immature about this). I’m going to narrow it down to the three scenarios I’ve heard about the most.
Scenario Number 1: The Bollywood Indian Drama Queen
You are in a committed relationship; everything is fine (apparently). Suddenly, your sweetheart starts to act a bit emo (moodiness, blasts from the past, pathetic Hollywood movie behavior and speeches), she seems distant (comatose perhaps), she starts coming up with the silliest excuses to see you less, then boom – it’s over.
What she said: “I still love you but things seem to have changed. I am confused. I need some space. I need to discover who I really am and what I really want. I need to expand my horizons. I will always love you though. I just need some time. Blah.”
Her exit speech is the longest most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard, but you’re too hurt and shocked to process it properly.
What she meant: “I don’t love you anymore; I have feelings for someone else. I am suffocating with you. I want to go out, meet guys, go crazy, have sex, and live my life – but I want you to love me and wait for me forever like a gay loser (because I am a selfish b****).”
Your question is: “Why? Why oh why did she leave? If she still loves me, then whyyyyyy?”
Your question should be: “Why? Why oh why am I such a moron? When oh when will I become a man and move on with my life and show that b**** what she lost?”
The verdict: Instead of sulking and being supportive of her decision (like a faggot), tell her to stop yapping (because she is taking you for a fool). Tell her she lost you and your respect. Tell her to get the hell out of your face. Once you do this, you can regain some of the respect you’ve lost (because the girl is going to gossip about the break up to her friends, family, concierge, gardener, teddy bears, and toilet bowl), so at least now she can leave out the part of “Haram, he is so upset, I feel so bad for him.” Kick start your life again and forget about her.
Scenario Number 2: The Victimizing Victim
You are in a fresh relationship, and everything is going great. After a few dates, she changes completely. The sweet angel turns into Cruella de Vil; she is loud, rude, bossy, selfish, and horrifies/hates your friends. She seems to only be interested in the material aspect of the relationship, and when that is not provided, she grows distant and mysterious (or should I say, dishonest). When you complain to her that you are not her doormat, she spins the story around and blames you (or anyone or anything).
What she said: “You don’t care about me. No one cares about me (Sob. Weep. Sniff). I can’t be with someone who is not willing to do anything and everything for me (selfish lying witch). I can’t be with you anymore because you didn’t treat me well.”
What she meant: “I don’t care about you. I wanted you to buy me nice things and take me to nice places because no one ever does! I can’t waste my time on you anymore; I must find another man to comply with my needs.”
Your question is: “What the hell just happened?”
Your question should be: “Did a gold-digging heartless witch just break up with me? How did I let that happen?”
The verdict: THANK HER! And thank your lucky stars that you are no longer polluting your life with such garbage. Also, slap yourself for not dumping her first (you fool).
Scenario Number 3: The Silent Sleazy Seeker
Your relationship is fine. Everything is fine except that she seems to be a little too friendly with the boys. She has wandering eyes and never wants to stay in and watch a DVD. She prefers being out where she can see and been seen all-the-time. One day, poof – it’s not working out anymore.
What she said: “It’s not you, it’s me. We are not on the same page and seem to want different things. There’s no way this can work out. Sorry.”
What she meant: “I liked you at first, but not anymore. The only reason I stayed with you was till I found boyfriend #2, who I’ve been dating secretly for the past few weeks. Forget about me (i.e. please don’t call me a whore).”
Your question is: “How on earth did I not see the red flags?!”
Your question should be: “I DID see the red flags; I felt there was something fishy, so WHY* didn’t I break up with her long ago?”
*Because a) you have too much of a macho ego to even begin to imagine that your woman could cheat on you, or b) you’re just plain stupid/blind/ignorant.
The verdict: If she wasn’t honest with you about it, don’t even bother talking to her. It’s not worth it! If she was honest about it, make sure you put her down to size with a sentence she’ll never forget for the rest of her existence. Always remember that women cheat too, so watch out for red flags (because sometimes it could be a result of something you’re doing or not doing).
Food for thought: A girl worth keeping will never leave you. Forget about her the moment she walks away. (As they say: To each his own)
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Robert Frost
By Rita Dahdah