Whether I am single or in a relationship, Valentine’s Day has always proven to be a cheesy, corny, lovey-dovey, nauseating holiday for me. Call me dark and bitter – I don’t care, but V-Day has become – in my opinion – a “retail holiday” of no essential or valuable meaning whatsoever. I will never understand why people must wait for one specific day to express their love towards each other, or why a measly bouquet of roses that would normally cost 30 USD ends up costing 130 USD on V-Day – talk about price inflation! It may just seem like red roses, red hearts, red teddy bears, and chocolate in red wrappers to the majority of you; but I will take the liberty of sharing my point of view on this oh-so lamer than lame “hallmark holiday”.
Big Girls Like Big Bears: Let us all take a moment to reflect on the significance of an adult (and hopefully mature) woman owning an over-sized teddy bear. What-Is-The-Darn-Point?!
I once received a humongous teddy bear on V-Day and cringed at the idea of where I would place it. It serves no purpose whatsoever and has been sitting on the top of my closet, staring down at me for the past few years. Not only is it terrifying, but I had to carry it up several flights of stairs to get it into my home because it simply did not fit in the elevator. Not only did I have acute back pain for days, but I have cursed at every man who buys his woman a teddy bear (on any occasion) and have loathed women who love these useless gifts.
To all bear-loving over-grown females out there: You are not 5 years old anymore – grow up!
To all bear-giving men out there: Instead of paying 200 USD on a giant teddy bear, buy her something useful – like a pair of shoes (which she can at least fit into her bedroom).
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: A bouquet of roses is a lovely gesture indeed – and a timeless cliché that I am so sick of, to the extent that I’d like to vandalize every florist from here to Alaska. I would like to meet the person who decided that a red rose is the symbol of everlasting love (or whatever)! Here’s a thought: a red rose wilts and turns black after a few days – if you’d like that to symbolize your love, go ahead. A bouquet of red roses is also absolutely meaningless when it costs more than a dinner for two. A few years ago I received two bouquets of red roses on V-Day; one from an admirer and one from a stalker. As soon as I left the office, I gave one bouquet to my sister as it was her birthday, and gave the other to a homeless boy so that he may sell the roses to passersby. Now that’s how you can make a useless bouquet useful. Don’t get me wrong, I love receiving a bouquet of red roses (preferably not red . . . and not roses) on any random day of the year – just not on V-Day when possibly every other woman in the world is receiving one.
Dinner for two: When a man takes his lady out for dinner, it’s not because he wants to, it’s because she wants to. God forbid he doesn’t take her out for an overpriced, pretentious dinner during which they throw fake smiles and kisses to each other while they nibble on their heart-shaped potatoes.
Although I’m a fan of everything food-related, during V-Day dinner I couldn’t help but notice how stuffy it felt – not only because of my stockings, high waste belt and skirt that were suffocating the life out of me, but also because of the people around us who were planning their every move to better fit into the lovey-dovey cliché around them. There were so many rose petals on our table that it looked like a cow had been butchered and was left to die on our table cloth. Every platter served to us contained something shaped like a heart. I couldn’t stop laughing, and I realized that the only thing I liked about that cheesy, overpriced dinner is the company I was with and so next year I’m going to skip dining out and I am going to do something that’s a little more enjoyable.
A Gift is worth 1000 words: Christmas is only a month and a half before V-Day and I am sure most of you spent a whole lot of money on all the presents you bought for your loved ones. That being said, buying another expensive gift for V-Day will obviously not be heartfelt, but will instead just leave a hole in your pocket – where your money used to be. I hate having to follow these rules, so my boyfriend and I decided not to buy each other presents because what’s the point? Why fall into that pretentious cliché of “OH what did your boyfriend get you for V-Day? Let me show you what my boyfriend got me” and then whoever got the nicest present wins because it can only mean that her boyfriend loves her more . . . Alas, the stupid people. Men on the other hand won’t really care about the 200 dollar gift and cheesy Valentine card they just received because they’d probably just be happier with a bottle of Grey Goose and cardboard paper with an “I Love You” written on it.
Lady in Red: Enough with wearing red already! Wear yellow or green or anything else so that you don’t all look like girl scouts or students in some catholic girls’ school! I don’t get it . . . it’s like the sky vomited red on everyone and I end up feeling like an angry bull waiting to attack. It gets worse though, because another cliché says that men must buy their ladies “sexy” red lingerie on V-Day. YUCK! I cannot think of one sane woman who would enjoy prancing around in kinky, uncomfortable red lingerie for the sake of being “romantic”. At the nail salon, I also noticed around 15 women get their nails painted red. I felt like I was Alice in Alice in Wonderland asking the cards why they were painting the roses red!
Declare your Love: Nothing will be complete without sharing your romantic experience on Facebook. Girls must post photos of their bouquets, presents, and teddy bears (if they fit into the frame), in order to brag about how their man loves them. I would like to congratulate all the girls on my Facebook friends’ list who did that – the only statement you’re making is “I can’t believe a man actually loves me” and “I lack attention” and “I do not believe in privacy so please stay tuned for my honeymoon photos; close-ups on us making love, us showering together, and us feeding each other during breakfast.” Bleukh. Take pictures; memories are nice – but please keep these moments to yourself!
I do not possess an evil, dark spirit nor am I lonely and bitter. However, I am logical, realistic and possess a brain. I refuse to let the cheesiness in my heart take over the logic in my brain. I express my love to others every day and enjoy having love in my heart and my life 365 days a year. I will not wait for my boyfriend to spend $300 on a dinner for two, $200 on a bouquet of red roses, and $300 on a gift so that I believe that he loves me – I will leave that sort of thinking for the insecure, pathetic girls out there. By following my heart, I realize that these pretentious gestures mean nothing to me.
Let’s not forget about the simple gestures and actions in life that demonstrate love; and these are much more valuable than an oversized bear, an overpriced dinner, and a meaningless gift. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you out there – please Google “Saint Valentine” so that you understand what this day represents; and I hope you celebrate it in a heartfelt way.
PS. Valentine’s Day is on the 14th (not the 10th, 11th, or 12th . . .) – just sayin’
“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.” Henry David Thoreau
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