La Wlooo!!…Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy

After watching enough video clips for some of our new Lebanese female exhebitionists singers, I have come to terms with one truth: their voice was not their claim to fame. Beauty is no longer understood. When did it become acceptable for women to parade around looking like pin up dolls who just got abused by a makeup brush followed by a wardrobe catastrophe? Are these monsters celebrities acting as role models for both girls my age and older women who cannot understand the concept of “older”? If they’re not the reason, then what’s the cause of all this vulgarity I see everywhere?
My own analysis would be that these shemales females have forgotten the difference between sexy and vulgar, so I’ve taken the liberty of writing down 10 commandments for women in this department.

Thou Shalt Not look like a Ho:

1. Thou Shalt Not wear leggings with a short shirt: Don’t be so astonished. It is incorrect for you to walk around wearing something so tight without covering your va-jay-jay area. Reason #1: You will have a cameltoe. Reason #2: Men will say: “She has a cameltoe”. Reason #3: Every man who sees you will have one thought – that you’re a ho. To remember this, repeat “cameltoe equals ho”.

2. Thou Shalt Not wear clown makeup: Believe it or not, make up should be discreet; i.e. it should bring out your features, not hide them under a 13 cm layer of muck. Please refrain from drawing black circles around your eyes – you are a lady, not a raccoon. Also, please try not to look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show (pink + blue + red + green = clown = not sexy). To remember this, repeat “if my eyes do not show, then I look like a ho”.

3. Thou Shalt Not have inflatable breasts: It’s a shocker ladies, but men indeed do not like anything bigger than a natural C cup. Can you imagine a man introducing Ms. Fake ‘D cup’ to his mother? “Hey mom, meet the breasts. My girlfriend is standing right behind them.” The only thing he will introduce her to is his bed. Also, for those who have a smaller chest, please do not wear those scary push up bras for the cleavagy-ho look. Breasts cannot defy gravity and their place is below the neck, not adjacent to the chin. Every man I know finds that cheap. To remember this, repeat “What happens in bed stays in bed (including my scary push up bra and everything else that makes me look like a porno ho)”.

4.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar bras with transparent straps: Please enough with this “trend” already. If I had the time, I would walk into every lingerie store and confiscate them! It is so vomit-inducing when a girl is wearing a backless shirt with a bra that has transparent straps (that always look dirty for some reason). Hence, it is NOT invisible; it is nasty! I don’t care what part of the bra is transparent, say NO to the ho look. If it has rhinestones on the straps, say NO to the ho look. If it has transparent straps AND rhinestones, be sure it’s for a ho. To remember this, repeat “If I want my bra to show, I’m a ho”.

5.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar shoes:
Category 1: 15 inch heels: Especially if your toes are ugly. How can you know? Check your second toe; if it’s crooked and sticking out, hide it. Please make sure that walking in heels makes you look sexy; if you’re waddling as if you’re a dinosaur about to fall, cut 10 inches off your heels or stay home where no one can laugh at you. To remember this, repeat “I am a graceful lady, not a dino-ho”.
Category 2: cheap leather shoes: 1) you will be scarred with bunions for the rest of your life, 2) they are so trashy, and 3) your heel will break as a punishment from the universe. To remember this, repeat: “Shiny black garbage bags belong in the dumpster, not on my precious feet”.

6.       Thou Shalt Not wear leopard print clothing: I made a simple decision that this is the ugliest, most vulgar look to come out of fashion. Why would anyone want to look like a beast that is about to pounce on its prey? Yes, that is precisely what a man is thinking when he sees a girl all leopard-up. Leopard Lady is not exuding confidence, but bestiality. To remember this, repeat “I am beauty, not the beast”.

7.       Thou Shalt Not purposely have big hair: If you have natural curls, God bless you. If you’re African-American, God bless you. If not, why do you purposely want to scare people off? Be neat; people are not obliged to get their eyes poked out by your big hair – you are not Tina Turner. To remember this, repeat “I should be sassy, not a Sasquatch”.

8.       Thou Shalt Not have tattooed eyebrows that look like the Nike Swoosh: I can assure you, it does not make you look the least bit attractive. It will not add any charisma to your face or charm to your eyes. It will only make you look like a wicked demon child. Do you want to look like Lucifer adopted you? Do you want to ho-fy yourself? No. To remember this, repeat “I won’t tattoo ‘ho’ on my forehead”.

9.       Thou Shalt not wear slutty strappy tight shirts (that reveal your jelly belly):
Last I checked, these kinds of “shirts” were displayed as lingerie items; i.e. to be worn under clothing or under the sheets. It is so last decade to pompously display your torso while wearing low-rise jeans, especially if 1) the shirt is super tight, 2) the shirt is super cleavagy, or 3) you seem to be 6 months pregnant. To remember this, repeat “Tuck belly inside; and strappy is crappy”.

10.   Thou shalt not have black roots on platinum blonde hair: Ew, Ew, Ew, Ew!!! Black hair is beautiful; you can either keep it black or get it done 1 or 2 shades lighter. Even Madonna got rid of those nasty black roots! If you have that problem, you should change your hairdresser, change your hair color, or shave all your hair off!  To remember this, repeat “I should care for my hair and for people’s eyes.”

When Lebanon has such beauty, why try to be a ho? Don’t you think so?

“Beauty is ten, nine of which is dressing.” Proverb