After last week’s “The Sexy Men of Facebook”, and after offending way too many muscular, feminine posers, i felt a deep social responsibility to give women our fair share so that no biceps or macho egos explode. Truth be told, women are doing a good job at marketing themselves on Facebook, probably for the same reasons that men do.
A woman will make her Facebook page as appealing as possible because her main aim is to be noticed, desired, and approached (whenever, wherever). Some subtle elements are effective; but with all the heavy competition in the market, desperate times call for desperate measures. Call me a chronic complainer all you want, but this excessive “in your face” Facebook behavior has becoming very annoying . . . to me at least. To avoid the “attention whore” or even the plain “whore” label, here are some tips on what not to do with your oh-so-flashy Facebook page.
You may NOT be a drama queen: Status updates are entertaining attention grabbers IF they are either useful or funny. That being said, no one cares about your broken heart or your anger towards your ex or how you’re traveling to Ibiza in T-10 days (i.e. spare us the stupid countdown).
Avoid the following (please):
The broken-hearted: “I thought he was the one . . . but now i know that there is nothing more painful than a broken heart.”
I can understand people needing to vent, but what reaction is a woman expecting after she writes something like this? Pity? Sympathy? Love? – All you’ll get is an “Oh my gosh how sad” or “Oh my gosh how pathetic” or “Oh my gosh how sad and pathetic”. Or, you’ll get laughed at . . . point.
The Mysterious: “Never have I ever….” followed by “I would have never imagined . . . ” followed again by “Who would have ever thought?”
If I want suspense and mystery, I’ll buy a Sherlock Holmes DVD so please keep those thoughts in your head . . . where they belong (until you can form one complete thought worth sharing).
The Dramatic: “You can NEVER clip my wings or crush my dreams . . . NEVER! I will show you who i am and what i’m WORTH!”
Well, whether it’s your father, boyfriend, or boss you’re upset with, you should probably talk to them about it – not 600 Facebook friends who will once again, laugh at you. Control your thoughts and your crazy fingers before you update such an emotional Bollywood status.
You may NOT Pose like a ho: this doesn’t even have to be a full body shot – i am emphasizing on the facial expressions (and you know what facial expressions i’m referring to). Maybe guys will get a kick out of it, but other women (or just me) will want to hurl . . . or delete you at least (after saying many ugly things about you).
Facial expressions aside, posting provocative swimsuit photos will either end up on some guy’s phone as he uses them to pleasure himself, or on some fake profile created by a homosexual to attract other men. Same goes for photos in lingerie or in clothing that looks like lingerie. It’s inevitable – accept it or delete your Swimsuit Illustrated photos. Thank you.
Also the current trend of posing with a pout is cute – just not in every fricken photo. Keep this in mind the next time you upload 100 photos simultaneously (with a fish face in all 100 of them).
You may NOT be Pablo Picasso: Please tone down the art. It’s silly. By art I mean photos of hair flying in your face and into your mouth and eyes, photos of half of your face cropped with some hair entering your mouth, photos that are overexposed and black and white and mysterious and photoshopped, photos of your back with exactly a quarter of your face showing (ah, the sensuality . . . the drama . . . the art). Okay, you’re creative. We get it. Moving on.
You may NOT have 60 photo albums: Why? (Must you ask why?)
Really now, who’s going to want to see them all? Don’t be a narcissist – no one loves you that much. If anyone loved you that much, they’d start hating you after 2000 photos. Just sayin’.
Vacation photos: One album is more than enough. If you spent a week in London, you cannot post one album for each day you were there. It frightens normal people.
Wedding day photos: There’s really no need to post all 7000 photos now, is there? Do we care?
Honeymoon photos: These are not public property. This is an intimate time of your life duing which you and your husband are probably having sex 7 times per day – no need to share (please). Even if it’s a photo of you two rowing a boat, we’ll be imagining you both fornicating. And no, that’s not cool.
You may NOT share the details of your entire relationship: There are less than than 10 people (out of 800) that actually care that you’re in love or happy or approaching your one year anniversary. The more you flaunt your happiness, the more people want to see you miserable – keep that in mind. On that note, your wall-to-walls with your boyfriend are nauseating. Bearing in mind that you’re both living in the same country (15 minutes away from each other) and see each other every day, why do you need Facebook to communicate?!
You: “Baby . . . . . . . I love you . . . . ”
Your Boyfriend: “I love you more . . . .”
You: “No, me more . . . . .”
Your Boyfriend: “I miss you Babyyyy . . . . ”
You: “I miss you more . . . .”
Your Boyfriend: “No I miss you more . . . ”
You: “No, me!”
Your Boyfriend: “No, me!! me me me me!”
(Note that all responses are less than five minutes apart. Also note that there is a dramatic, excessive use of the ” . . . ” )
Oh I ought to slap you both.
Is there anyone who feels as sick as I do from of this behavior?!
First, congratulations; your boyfriend is completely whipped and even more feminine that you are – enjoy flaunting that to the world. Second, SERIOUSLY? You both probably have each other on BBM or WhatsApp and he probably just dropped you home, yet you still feel the need to do this? Not only do your Facebook friends want to vomit, but they all come together in prayer for you and your
girlfriend boyfriend to break up.
This brings me to the relationship status dilemma. Is it absolutely necessary to update your relationship status from “single” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship” then back to “single” every chance you get? How is it that Facebook validates your relationship to the public? The only thing you’re validating here is how immature and bored you are.
Your make out photos are not appreciated either.
You may NOT flaunt your wardrobe: If you insist on showing off your new clothes, shoes, bags, earrings, and bracelets on Facebook, just remember that Facebook is not affiliated with Vogue magazine and certain humanly unnatural poses that are intended to show off your new wardrobe item(s) are completely ridiculous. When you look like a mannequin attempting to do some yoga, delete the photo. Also remember that you are not Lady Gaga and you most likely do not have the power to trend something. The trick here is discretion and subtlety – look them up in a dictionary.
You may NOT make plans on your friend’s wall: Whether it’s a lunch date or a weekend in Paris (believe it or not), always remember that telephones exist.
You: “What are you doing this afternoon?”
Your Friend: “Nothing, why?”
You: “Coffee at 4?”
Your Friend: “Yes. Let’s meet at the Souks.”
You: “Okay see you then!”
If you’ve ever done that, I think you should take 10 minutes to reflect on how stupid you are. Then slap yourself.
This is especially sad when the friend in question is a girl who you have probably seen twice in the past year, but you insist on acting like blood sisters on Facebook.
Us women feed on attention and plan on getting it any way we can; and although we do have effective ways in making that happen, sometimes we do take it too far. Before you begin with your rants and verbal attacks, I’m well aware that I’m guilty of some of the things I’ve mentioned above, but that still doesn’t make them appropriate. Thanks to Facebook, many people have crossed the line from cute to stupid; posting certain information and photos today that could be used as blackmail in five years. I have no words of wisdom to share here except that in this case, when too many people are in your business, you don’t have the right to complain anymore. I know that too little or too much of something were never the right way to go.
“We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won’t need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don’t fire cannons to call attention to their shining – they just shine.” Dwight L. Moody