One thing I will never understand is how some women can stoop lower than dirt just to get some male attention. The worst of these are the Ex-Girlfriends, especially when they are YOUR man’s ex. Whether it’s your boyfriend, Fiancé, or husband, I am sure he has (or had) an Ex-girlfriend that manages to cling to him like superglue. It is sad because you question the purpose of her existence, apart from harassing you and your man. It is annoying because she is so thick-headed, she can’t seem to understand when to f*** off. It is pathetic because you can’t help but feel pity for such a stupid and weak creature. It is funny because you and your man can laugh about her clinginess for hours while she is still holding on to an unrealistic inkling of hope.
The Drunken Dialer: She will go out with some friends, try to enjoy her night as she realizes that she is a lonely desperate soul in need of a man’s attention. She refuses to acknowledge the idea that “her” man is no longer hers, but is in fact in love with another woman; and thus the psychopath b**** ex-girlfriend drunk dials your man’s number at a very late hour and screams speaks:
“OOOHHHHHHHH *sob* *weep* *sniffle*!!! I miss you so muchhhhh!! Why did you leave me, WHYYY? Why don’t you love me anymore?? I can’t stop thinking about you!! We are meant to be together! I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!! *cough* *roar* Why are you with that b****???? What does she have that I don’t?!?!”
At this point, neither you nor your man can believe how pathetic, stupid, and sad this girl is and while you are seriously considering kicking her ass, your man must call or text her and say the following (no matter how blunt or hurtful it may sound):
“Please do not call me in the future if you plan on making a fool of yourself. I cannot tolerate this clingy, pathetic behavior and I would prefer not to lose all my respect for you. Not only are you bothering me, but you are bothering my girlfriend as well. What does she have that you don’t? A brain and dignity. What we had was great but it is over; please move on. ”
Unfortunately this is the only way that the clingy ex will understand because if your man continues being nice, she will only mistake his sweetness for false hopes.
The Psychotic Stalker: She will add your man to her BBM contact list. She will make sure to drive past his house at least 3 times per day. She will put all her friends on watch so that they keep bringing her his latest updates. She will lurk around the places he goes to (cafés, restaurants, gym, bars, etc.). She will also cling to your man’s friends in the hopes that she will in some way be closer to him, and try to use them as a means to get back to him. She will do all of this simply because her peanut-sized brain cannot comprehend that she had a life before him and can continue having a life without him in it.
At this point, I say go out and buy a nice pair of gloves and slap that b**** right across her face. Who knows, it could help her snap back to reality. If you are looking for a less aggressive approach, ask your man to tell her the following:
“Since you have become my shadow and turned my life into a horror movie, I am asking you to please stop before I am forced to file a restraining order against you. I would have loved to stay friends, but I firmly believe that crazy people belong in a mental institute. Please stop harassing my friends too because you have put all of them in a very awkward position – some of them are changing their phone number and possibly their home address so that you have no way to contact them again. I have moved on and it would be great if you could do the same because I would like to keep a nice memory of you.”
The Wise and Caring Snake: She will suddenly become the caring, advice-giving, mother figure for your man. She will express her concern about how he always seems tired and neglected, about how his weight is fluctuating, and about how he deserves “better” as she hints that you are a bad girl with bad intentions (because she thinks all girls are money-hungry whores…as she). Of course, if your man is an idiot, he will actually believe she’s trying to help out – but let’s hope that he can see past her four faces. At this point, your man must tell her this:
“I have a mother, thank you. Please get out of my personal space and continue being a friend by respecting your boundaries. You are no longer in a place when you can impose your opinions when they are unasked for. You are no longer my number 1 – if you’d like to be my number 2, you’re more than welcome (although I use that term as a nickname for my feces). Thank you.”
If you are feeling super-irritated by the behavior of your man’s ex, you must tell him and ask him to put an end to it. If they are friends and do not cross each others’ boundaries, it shouldn’t disturb you because sometimes friendship between exes can be healthy and useful. On the other hand, if she still has feelings for him and does not want to understand that he is with someone else and continues to harass him, he must put an end to it for the sake of your relationship. Make sure that your man is not giving her false hopes, and that he has already made it clear to her that it is over, and that he has moved on! Many men love the attention they get from women, especially from their exes; and they find a certain comfort in knowing that their ex-girlfriend hasn’t moved on. This is very selfish behavior towards both the ex-girlfriend and the current girlfriend, and if the guy doesn’t want to understand that, he is probably not mature enough to be in an adult relationship and should re-consider breast-feeding and potty training. Explain to him what’s bothering you, calmly, and if he’s still hesitant and refuses to put an end to his ex’s annoying behavior, I say play his own game. Some men simply cannot understand how annoying or disrespectful a situation is until the roles are reversed, so why get mad when you can get even?
That being said, here’s a message to all you clingy exes everywhere: you are the most pathetic genre of superglue female out there and if you only knew how much people laughed at your pitiful behavior, you would stay in your room forever. Who cares why or how he left you? Your sob story is annoying to everyone, especially when it’s about someone who does-not-want-to-be-with-you! Also, no one believes your illusion that “he still loves you”. When a man leaves you and moves on to someone else, it can only mean one thing: IT’S OVER! End your obsession with his current girlfriend (trying to copy her and trying to figure out what she has that you don’t). Gather up what’s left of your dignity and move on to better things – maybe one day you will meet someone who’s more “suitable” for you. Until then, look up the word “dignity” in the dictionary; learn it, live it, love it.
“Remember now, Cheers, no tears.” Marilyn Monroe