La Wlooo!!!…The Sexy Men of Facebook

Many years ago, it was standard procedure that when boy meets girl and boy likes girl, and girl likes boy, an exchange of digits would occur. Chances are usually slight that this attraction would last beyond two dates since one of the two ends up being an uber loser and the girl ends up regretting ever giving the boy her number. Mark Zuckerberg then created the Facebook phenomenon that now allows us to take a peek into someone’s life and assess whether they are potentially interesting or not. So now, when boy meets girl and boy likes girl and girl likes boy, the girl says “add me on Facebook” and after some serious probing around his profile, she’ll decide whether or not he’s worthy of her time. Superficial? Yes. Effective? Yes!

Some men unfortunately do not realize how feminine or silly their Facebook profiles are, and this is especially sad since they are most probably aiming at looking macho and cool. This week’s entry is dedicated to what men should NOT do with their Facebook page.

You may NOT be a poser: By poser, I mean photos that could get you into America’s Next Top Model or photos that serve as self-advertising. Women are entitled to be vain, just like men are entitled to pee at the side of the road. This equation cannot work both ways – deal with it. That being said, men are NOT allowed to have any of the following photos:

  • A self-portrait that you’ve taken of yourself. We know this because we can see your right arm extended to hold the camera. Your facial expression is very seductive and serious. This is really gay. This must stop. We know you are posing; we laugh about it.
  • Photos of the muscles. If you want to flex those biceps, go to the gym and get it out of your system. If you’re doing it in front of a mirror and taking photos, you’re ill. I have no words to describe how silly this behavior is. When women see your sexy-flexy photos, I PROMISE they do not feel the urge to sleep with you (in case that’s what you had in mind). The only thing you’re doing by posting those photos is attracting gay men’s attention.
  • Photos of your car. Always remember that no one cares . . . not a soul. One of your homies might say “congrats dude, nice ride” and you can pat yourself on the back and continue waiting for female attention . . . but you won’t get it. If you do, she’s a materialistic bubblehead with no substance. If that’s what you’re aiming for, pat yourself on the back again.
  • Documentary photos. It’s nice to have a few good photos on your profile, but documenting your every move is super feminine. It’s annoying enough when we women do it. It’s especially silly when all your photos are of your drunken nights out with your drunken friends and your drunken grins are making you look (once again) like village idiots. That being said, NEVER pose with your bottle of Grey Goose or Elit vodka just to show people that you’re paying good money on booze. Eww.
  • Photos of your watch. Yuck – how pretentious. By that I mean purposely posing in a way that your watch is there for the world to see, Marcel Ghanem style. Yuck.
  • An album titled “ME”: NO! No you may not be this narcissistic, especially when all 35 photos in the album are of your face and/or body. Who cares?!

You may NOT be too expressive: This means, control your feminine/gossipy impulses to update your status several times per day with useless information.
Statutes like these are unacceptable:

  • Stroking your ego: “I have the eye of the tiger and the heart of a lion”
  • Quoting songs (so stupidly): “I just wanna make you sweat”
  • Expressing love: “Can’t believe I’m finally in love with the most amazing woman on earth” (It’s like Tom Cruise jumping on the sofa on the Oprah Winfrey Show)
  • The “I’m a Manyak” statements: “Hate the player not the game ;)” (Wow. Too sad.)
  • The TMI (too much info) updates: “I’m home” or “I’m at work” or “I am hungry” or “I just farted” – no . . . one . . . CARES.
  • The “I can’t believe I left my house” updates: “At Sky Bar” or “At Orchid” or “At Beirut Souks” or “Live  from Momo”. This is truly ridiculous. What are you expecting people to tell you? “You’re so cool”??

You may NOT play Farmville and Cityville and Co.: This only shows that you live in Loserville like a lifeless, antisocial loser with no friends and nothing better to do. I die a little whenever I see these applications posted on anyone’s Facebook wall; it makes me rethink why I’m “friends” with them in the first place.

You may NOT act like a giggly 12-year old girl/80-year-old village idiot: I am referring to your comments. When you write “HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” and “LOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” to everything – it’s just weird.
For example:
Facebook Friend: “Hey! Nice photo. How’ve you been?”

No. You just can’t do that. It’s way too eager and enthusiastic for your own good. It’s like you’re about to have a heart attack. First, you sound like an idiot who laughs and falls and spits while walking and talking. Second, “LOL” is SO 2001. Get with the times – a simple “haha” will get your message across just fine. If you’re peeing in your pants, feel free to write “hahaha” without the uppercase, because WHEN YOU WRITE LIKE THIS, IT’S JUST FRIGHTENING. GOT IT?

You may NOT share too much info: Yes, refer to the “info” section. You do not need to enter every single useless piece of info like your birth year, political views, religious views, phone number, “looking for”, “interested in”, “relationship status”. That’s way too much information – just ask yourself, what’s the point? Leave something to the imagination (and spend some time away from your computer).

You may NOT always be available on Facebook chat: In all fairness, all the creepy stalkers I know dwell there. Do you know what I do every time they attempt to chat with me? I ignore them. Enough said.

First impressions are everything. If that fails, you always have Facebook to save the day. The least you can do is create a suave, nonchalant image for yourself on this social network. Who knows, a girl might just be stupid enough to give you one shot (which you’ll probably mess up if you’re one of those posing, muscle-flexing, Cityville playing weird people).

To all of you who read this and feel like you’re one of the above, please do not feel offended or hurt because you probably didn’t know better. Now, you have no excuse to be like that anymore. Now, you are informed. Please do something about it and make the world a better place.

“Women don’t make fools of men; most of them are the ‘do-it-yourself’ types.”