Beach season is only a couple of weeks away; I can tell, since I have no place in my aerobics class that magically went from 15 to 50 people – all struggling to ward off the evil fat.
Excess body weight is not the only problem at the beach though – allow me to elaborate.
Undress to Impress
When buying a swimsuit, make sure the fabric isn’t see-through. There is nothing sexy about wearing a white swimsuit that reveals your secret garden.
Also, pay attention to fabric. Stay away from vulgar prints and metallic fabrics. Mesh is a big NO-NO, especially when combined with army print. You’re not Lara Croft or G.I. Jane, so don’t try to flaunt that look.
Keep in mind that there could be families at the beach you’re going to, so keep your thong bottoms for a more private occasion (or burn them, preferably). If you have large breasts, make sure your swimsuit top covers more than just your nipples. You want to look sexy not scary. If you have fake breasts, please stay away from push-up swimsuit tops – that’s just plain disgusting.
If you’re overweight, do not wear anything stringy because it will look plain ugly on you. Be considerate of other people’s eyes and feelings.
It would be very considerate of you to wear a cover-up while walking around, especially if you have a blubbery behind. Once again, other people have eyes.
Never wear high heels. You’re not going out to dinner or to a trendy club, you’re going to the beach! Whatever happened to Havaianas? Seriously, there’s nothing sexy or cool about a woman parading around in high heels or wedges while wearing a swimsuit. It’s way too overdone and I get uncomfortable just watching these women attempting to walk.
One more thing, visible hair (anywhere other than your head and eyebrows) is unacceptable. Deal with it.
Speedos may be the bomb in certain countries, so if you want to rock that look, fly there and spare us from the misery. No one is comfortable looking at a man wearing Speedos. Your bulge is way too distracting. It looks as if it’s about to explode or pop out to say hello.
Do not hike your swimming trunks up to your throat, and don’t push them too low to the extent that we can see your wiener lower pelvis. There is a comfortable and proper way to wear your swimming trunks, a way that doesn’t scare off children – keep that in mind.
You may be the hairiest beast in the world, but we don’t need to see or know that. Spend a day (or three) waxing or shaving all that nasty chest (back, neck, stomach) hair before you make your debut at the beach. a) girls will look at you without vomiting, b) children won’t think that King Kong just emerged from the sea, and c) you’ll feel much better about yourself, and lighter (since carpets belong on floors).
A beer belly is not that bad; no one is asking you to look like Brad Pitt, but if you have man breasts…it’s over. You can either try to lose weight or cover them up just like women do. Yes, when exposed, man breasts are even more distracting than their female counterpart.
Wearing your watch, chain, ring, and whatever else to the beach (where there is sand, sun, heat and water) is just cheesy and vulgar. Keep it simple, and keep all your metallic objects in a drawer in your bedroom . . . and spare yourself the 573 unnecessary tan lines.
Tanning is a choice. There is no rule that says you must become 60 degrees darker during the summer season. Also, it is simply not polite to tell someone they’re whiter than milk. If you’re super tan, it wouldn’t be nice for a pale person to tell you your skin is like leather – think about it.
Even if you’re wearing sun block with an SPF of 100, you are still entitled to enjoy a fun day at the beach minus the burning. People go to the beach for other reasons than tanning: it could be to read a book in the shade, snorkel, swim, Jet Ski, play volley ball. The list is endless, so do not force anyone to do anything they’re not comfortable doing.
Sex on the Beach:
Yes, you and your lover may have a little too much skin showing and the sun may be a little too hot and you may have drank a little too much, but none of that justifies making a porn video on the sand. PDA (public display of affection) must be toned down at the beach, where everyone is literally one or two steps away from being completely naked. Beds on the beach are meant for tanning (unlike beds in the bedroom) – make no mistake there and please do not confuse the two because there will be people like me watching and wanting to vomit at the site of two half-naked people practically making a baby at a close distance. Speaking of babies, sometimes children are present and staring with awe and fright as they wonder what you’re doing.
Sand, Litter, Kids:
Sand is difficult enough to walk in as it is. Although it does have its exfoliating benefits, it burns the feet and could contain pieces of glass or stone that may hurt you. The last thing we need is someone littering the sand with cigarettes, beer bottles and food. Keep a bag for your litter and an ashtray for your cigarettes.
If you have a baby with you, please make sure to change its diapers in the WC. We do not care for that type of sight (or odor) while trying to relax.
Make sure you teach your children a thing or two about urinating in public waters. When I do accidentally swallow water, I’d prefer if it weren’t mixed with urine. Keep your kids in the kiddy pool, it is there for a good reason.
Off the Beach:
Although you will end up in a swimsuit, you do not have to arrive in just a swimsuit. It is always appropriate to be fully dressed during the time you leave your house, get into your car, and arrive to the beach. The construction workers at the side of the road do not need to see a half naked man or woman parading around in what looks like underwear. After a day at the beach, you may want to stop by a café for an iced café latte or a quick bite to eat, so make sure you’re dressed in the appropriate attire. If you’re at the Starbucks wearing just your bikini or some cheesy see-through cover up, the guy behind the counter will register your outfit as lingerie, not as a swimsuit. It is equivalent to you walking around naked, so cover up!
Once again, it’s all about manners. It’s about trying our best to live together in a civilized way without being offensive to others. If it were up to me, we’d all parade around naked on our own private little beaches, but reality says it differently. While we all work on our beach bodies, let’s try working on our manners. Enjoy tanning, and please don’t have a seizure if your friend is tanner than you are.
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” Fred Astaire