La Wlooo!!!…No Sex In The Champagne Room

As the most overhyped best night of the year is only days away, my mind wanders back to the New Year’s Eve parties of the years past and I realize that I didn’t enjoy almost any of them. It’s always a quest to go out and buy the perfect dress, the perfect shoes to go with them, get the nails done, the hair done, go with the perfect date and group of friends, go to the perfect venue – by the time I’m there, I’m exhausted, and it ends up sucking because of all the high expectations. This year, I decided to take on a very simple approach – it is not NYE, it is a NLAO (Night Like Any Other).
To those of you who never enjoyed the NYE’s of the years past, here are some tips on how to make this one different.

For Her:

Tip #1: Forget about being the queen of the prom. Prom night is over – on NYE there will be other pretty girls and other pretty dresses so don’t pop a vein in order to look your best. You will only end up scouring the venue for competition instead of enjoying your time.
Oh, and please don’t have a b**** fit in the ladies’ room if you find out that another girl is wearing the same dress as you – everyone will be too drunk to care notice; and last I heard, the center of the universe is the sun (not you).
So please, no posing, no skanky behavior, and no b***hy attitudes because someone might just be drunk enough and waiting for you in the ladies’ room, just to shove your head down a toilet bowl.

Tip #2: If you are single, please do not turn this NYE party into a man-hunting ceremony. While you may be looking for love, your “Peasant Prince Charming” will just be looking for sex fun. Fairy tales must end when you grow breasts and start menstruating; hence, the Cinderella/Prince/Glass slipper situation will not magically reoccur with you this NYE. Although God is busy attending to more important issues, maybe Santa Claus can help:
Dear Santa,
The Holiday season is almost over and the wonderful excess of men will once again become an immense shortage. I am desperately seeking a husband, one that is rich successful, rich charming, and rich good-looking. Please send him to me this NYE as it is my last chance before the country begins to empty out again. I must make my Mama proud and get married (OR ATLEAST ENGAGED) by this summer.
Yours Truly,
The Desperate “Virgin

Tip #3: As I said, it is a night like any other – except you will be celebrating a year gone by and welcoming a new one. Celebrating involves dancing, jumping, drinking, laughing, and singing. Spending 4 hours at the beauty salon, paying 60 USD to get your make up done, and 20 USD to get your hair done will not make the night any more special or the “celebrating” any more convenient. If anything, the meringue hairdo will only give you a neck ache and the fake lashes will only create discomfort for you (and for those watching your agonized face). Your 10 inch heels won’t help either.

For Him:

Tip #1: Since you’ll most probably drink from 9 pm till the early hours of the morning, please try drinking responsibly. Contrary to what you may think, your vodka bottle does not have legs and cannot run away – there will be many more nights to drink in 2011.There is no need to get hammered, make a fool of yourself, piss everyone off, and/or start a fight – i.e. please do not turn into an obnoxious, offensive, and loud pig.
If the plan is to drink till you pee in your pants, please leave your jagal-mobile at home and call a taxi to drop you.

Tip #2: It can still be a fun night, even if you don’t end up sleeping with someone. 2011 is full of opportunities and women who are far from becoming extinct. So, no need to get “her” drunk and spend so much energy on being a suave gentleman, pouring her drinks and whispering corny sweet compliments in her ear while you so rudely stare at her chest. You still have friends around you, celebrate that!
Dear Santa,
Please send a desperate man-hunter my way; I heard the Desperate “Virgin” is seeking a man. I’m the best (one minute) man she’ll ever find. I promise I’ll be a good boy – I’ll even try to register her name, her face, and her phone number in one of my two remaining brain cells.
Prince on a White Horse in a Jagal-mobile

Tip #3: You are a person at a party, not the king rooster in a chicken pen. Please don’t fluff your feathers all night, and try to leave your God complex at the door. Change your current mood to “have fun”. If you don’t do that, people will be staring at your cocky drunken face in Facebook pictures the next day, trying to analyze whether you were constipated or physically hurt.

Enough with the cliché, it is not a must to go to the most expensive party, to be the king of the castle, or to have a NYE kiss in order to have fun; what counts is the company you keep. If your group of friends is fun, even if you camp out in a remote area with only bushes for décor, stars for lighting, and cockroaches for music, you’ll enjoy it! All parties will be both nice and crappy – it all depends on your choice of attitude, and that’s the attitude you’ll be carrying with you to 2011.
Instead of focusing on the NYE party itself that inevitably becomes a sexually charged, drunken, jungle, focus on its meaning by celebrating all that’s past and welcoming the future with optimism, with the people you love.

For the New Year, I wish you what almost no one can truly acquire: Happiness.

“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.” Oprah Winfrey