La Wlooo!!!…Marriage: Sex, Money & The In-Laws

Marriage season is only a few months away, and while many brides are worried about what dress to buy, what venue to rent out, and where to spend the honeymoon, the more important issues are almost entirely overlooked. These important issues seem to magically surface during the first year of marriage and the newlyweds are in awe as to “what went wrong”.

For starters, newlyweds must accept the idea that they are starting new, at the beginning, and working their way hopefully up. Not every man is a millionaire and not every man starts off with the wealth of his or his wife’s father, since a man at 40 is at a different level than when he was 20. With this in mind, every woman must be realistic.

It is every woman’s dream to have her house on the pages of the Architectural Digest, with at least 500 m2 of space, a garden, a swimming pool, and a sea view; let’s not forget the nanny, 2 luxury cars, 3 vacations per annum, and the valuable presents (designer bags and diamond earrings). It all sounds so yummy; and even if you had these privileges when you were single and living in daddy’s house, when you’re a newlywed with no kids and trying to build a future, that is too big and too early of a dream because there are other priorities to focus on.
Some girls may have that messed up princess attitude and say “I deserve nothing less. Daddy gave me everything I ever wanted”.
Of course daddy simply cannot continue paying for you after you’re married, unless you’d like to castrate your husband.
To Daddy’s Princess: You should marry your own father. Who cares about incest when he’s flying you to Bali?
Keep your expectations realistic.

Many women like to glue themselves to their mother and cannot understand how much of a turn off that is:

  1. Because mama-glue seems like an immature child who cannot make an adult decision on her own
  2. Because mama-glue seems like a tattle tale who runs to mommy whenever big bad evil husband tells her “no” or raises his voice
  3. Because mama-glue seems like she was better off living with mama, single, in mama’s home . . . without the accessory husband.

Some women may argue that they simply need a three bedroom apartment from day one  . . . and it’s not due to real estate inflation, but it’s because they want their mothers sleeping over every other night of the week (possibly because they miss being an embryo in their mother’s womb). . . Grow up.
To the Overgrown Embryos: congratulations, you are on the right track of making your husband hate you. He will either cheat on you or divorce you in the next three years. Always remember this equation: Husband + Mama = Disaster = You’re an idiot.

It’s even worse when the husband can’t get enough of his mama and it makes you question whether or not he has underlying Freudian issues. For starters, it’s not cool to always compare your wife’s cooking to your mama’s. Remember: your wife has only just started cooking while your mama has been doing it for decades. It’s also not cool to let your mama interfere in your financials or when you’re deciding to have kids. One word: creepy.
To all Oedipus Wannabes:  You can’t have two women in your life . . . and there are limits to what your mama can do for you – know what I’m sayin’?

What’s worse than mama-glue is the family ties that never seem to break. Many newlyweds are unaware that when they are married, they automatically have a new priority: their new family. Hence, husband and wife come before mama, papa, and the whole enchilada. It is plain weird for husband or wife to spend so much time with their families . . . all the time. It is unhealthy, and at some point, one mother-in-law or the other is going to overstep her boundaries. This horror can extend to any and all family members: the father, the sister, the brother; and the sooner this issue is addressed, the better. Wife and husband have no right to interfere in issues concerning the spouse and their family members. What happens between your husband and brother is his business not yours. Also, what happens between husband and wife is none of the brother’s business. These are the ties that bind or break any relationship.
One thought: know your place and your limits.

Since salaries in Lebanon are crap very low, many men travel and work abroad to be able to provide a decent living for their family. As a wife, your place is with your husband; even if it’s in the most conservative, politically unstable country. It is unacceptable for you to live in Lebanon enjoying the fruits of your husband’s labor while he slaves away in a foreign country, by himself, only to see his wife and children once every 3 to 6 months. A man is not a money-generating robot; he has sexual and emotional needs, he is entitled to be next to his family, and is entitled to have leisure time apart from work.
I can’t understand women who choose to remain in Lebanon, close to their families, while their husbands toil away in foreign lands. It baffles me how these women claim to love their husbands; there is no love in selfishness and apathy. The best part is that these women expect their hubbies not to ever cheat on them; the man is supposed to remain celibate for 6 months, without a woman – hmm . . . logical.
Here’s a thought: a husband’s only purpose in life is making money for you . . . NOT.

Men like to marry virgins to satisfy some egotistical complex they have about conquering unchartered territories – whatever. Usually these ill men will end up complaining that they are unable to have sex with their wife because she is the pure mother of his children. This poor soul will go on to cheat on his wife because his “morals” cannot allow him to sleep with her and dirty her purity with his evil stick. There’s a place for these men, and it’s in a mental asylum.
Sometimes, it’s the women who have a penile phobia and want to continue acting like a good little girl because that’s the “proper” thing to do. That’s just weird. I hate how society has turned sex into a sinful act, thus injecting these “morals” into people’s minds.
My message to you: I would like to meet you, listen to your stories, write a book about freaks people like you, and become a bestselling author.

I believe that a couple must address these issues long before Miss Thang buys her meringue-ish wedding gown. Marriage is hard enough; the last thing any two people want is conflicting beliefs on important matters like the ones mentioned above. A long time ago, husband and wife used to work together at building a future for themselves and their kids. When they’d finally get to the finish line, they’d look back and smile at all they’ve accomplished together. Even after the passion is gone, they will still have respect and admiration for each other. Money comes and goes, mistresses will not stand by you through the rough times, and you can never fully enjoy or appreciate something unless you work hard at obtaining it. If I ever get married, I pray that I have enough patience, wisdom, optimism, and sympathy to make it work.

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” Barnett R. Brickner