After being attacked countless times for making fun of Lebanese girls who love looking like hoes, I figured ho-defenders out there are too many to be conquered by merely one loser such as myself — but I’ll keep writing about these divine creatures, who I’m so envious of, because I’m so ugly and miserable. So many of my intelligent ho-loving readers, who love me so much, accuse me of being fat, ugly, unbearable, miserable, bitter and single; they have truly exposed me for who I really am. After weeping on my bathroom floor for weeks, I decided to emerge from my funk as an enlightened one that has come to terms with one truth: I am ugly, and prostitutes are ravishing; hence, I am jealous of them and want to look exactly like them, which is the only logical reason as to why I make fun of them.
If you’re ugly like me, you’ll need to start looking like a ho asap so you can find a gentleman who will appreciate your personality and want to marry you and have your babies one day.
Step 1: Admit the Truth
The first step towards self-improvement is admitting to yourself that you’re jealous of all hoes. Declare that since you were a little girl, you’ve always dreamed of growing up to be a sl**. Why would you want to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor, architect or anything boring like that when you can be a ho? It’s never too late to follow your dream. Be a ho so you can be appreciated for what truly counts: your brains!
Stop making fun of hoes and admit that you’re a hater, because real beauty is looking like a $2 h**ker. These hoes aren’t bad people. All they want is to find a man of “quality” to spend on them (a.k.a. a husband), so they dress the part.
Step 2: Dress to Impress
There’s no point in wearing underwear if you’re not going to show it, so make sure 85% of your cleavage is out and that only 15% of your bum is covered.
When attending a classy event, make sure to wear a dress that reveals your legs, back, chest, stomach, arms and maybe your v*gina. Make sure that your dress is so tight that your lungs would collapse after one hour, which is more than enough time to meet your future husband – granted that you’re wearing a pair of elegant h**ker heels. They have been proven to help quality women find quality husbands since 1970. For extra points, make sure your dress comes in leather or in latex fabric, and in flashy colors like red or hot pink. Not into colors? Wear full-on animal print. Zebra and leopard combos are to die for! Your future husband will feel that you’re the powerful hunter and he’s the helpless prey – and isn’t that every man’s dream? Make sure to pounce on as many men as possible to secure at least one or five. Men love a woman who is promiscuous.
Since hoes go out during the day as well, there’s a proper dress code every woman must abide during the daytime. Make sure to wear as much makeup and perfume as possible so that the daylight emphasizes your Edward Cullen face and raccoon eyes. Think of perfume as part of your mating ritual, luring in husbands from around Lebanon and beyond. With a strong enough perfume, you may even attract beaus from Germany. Stick to scents that will make you smell like a baby wh**e.
Step 3: Draw on a New Face
The key here is to make sure none of your facial skin shows by the time you’re done. You have three looks to aim for: a mime, a clown or backstage makeup (think: Black Swan sans feathers).
Make sure you start by painting a very light foundation all over your face. You’ll know you’ve got the right shade when your face and neck are two completely different colors. Your face should be a whitish-pink or something similar to your kitchen wall. Continue by coloring big black circles around your eyes. Don’t stop until you look like you’ve been kneed in the face twice. After you’re done applying the elegant eye shadow, glue on some super long fake lashes. Make sure they’re long enough to poke your future husband’s eye out. Move on to painting on your eyebrows.
Make sure the result looks like this: ^ ^ or \ /
When you’re done, you should look like Lucifer. If there’s a hint of innocence or simplicity left on your face, you’ll know you’ve done something wrong. Make sure each eyebrow is as black as charcoal. For perfect results, wax off your real eyebrows. If your eyebrows are made from hair, it’s simply unnatural. For captivating eyes, wear the fakest green contact lenses that make your eyes pop right out of your face.
For your finishing touches, make sure to paint your lips blood red and draw a beauty mole on your chin or above your lip. Make sure it looks fake; perfectly round and black, like a speck of bird poop. Once done, take a look at the mirror –you should look like a vampire wh**e.
Step 3: Intensify your Mannerisms
Buy a year’s supply of bubblegum. Chew it all the time with an open mouth, even when you’re sleeping. Make sure to blow big bubbles and laugh as high as possible (think: Nanny Fran) for the perfect results. Suck on your finger whenever needed. For example, if someone asks you for directions, wink and suck on your finger. If someone asks you how much you charge per hour, suck the finger while giving him a piece of your mind!
Your facial expression should always say one of the following:
1) I pout even when I’m fast asleep. As for my eyebrows, I’m not surprised . . . they’re just shaped that way . . . naturally.
2) I am so tired and sexual all at once.
When you go out dancing, make sure to rub your butt on every strange man standing nearby. As you do this, touch yourself while chewing gum and sucking your finger simultaneously. Once again, if you’re wearing those feminine h**ker heels, the stranger you’re rubbing up against will marry you within weeks.
If men look at you or hit on you as if you’re a ho, say “yiiiiii? Ba3ed na2iss!” although you are a ho, no one is allowed to treat you like one. You should be appreciated for your brain and personality.
Step 4: Work Like a Boss!
Your appearance should in no way allow for a guy to grab your right breast. He should buy you a car first, after which he can grab both your breasts and then some. Let him earn your sexual favors. No, that does not make you a sl**, it makes you a smart businesswoman. When people ask you what you do for a living, say you work in trade or customer services. There’s no need for you to have a regular job like the rest of us losers. You have a sugar daddy to support you, because he appreciates your witty conversation. He will pay your bills and buy you things so that you reward him with sex. No, you are not a prostitute.
If, God forbid, you have a job, you should make it clear to your employee and customers that you do not work for them! You are not there to work! Make this clear by not doing a thing all day. When you’re asked to do something, stick your fake nails out in disbelief and say, “tsu2! Yiiiiii….pffffff….ma maaoul!” how dare they ask you to do the job that you’re getting paid to do? How dare they? Your pride and dignity come before anything, so you always need to make it clear that you’re stooping below your high level of ho-ness by working in something legit. How embarrassing and disappointing. Who needs high school, basic math or spelling when you are so darn hot!
Step 5: Talk Like you’re Trapping Poo
Now that you’ve gotten steps 1 through 4 under your belt, you must carry the right attitude with you. It’s not enough to look, smell, dance and think like a ho, you must talk like one too. Make sure to extend every vowel so that it sounds like you’re having a constipated orgasm. It’s not annoying, it’s sexy. Make a lot of “aaaahhhhh” sounds because they are like a mating call for potential husbands. No, men will not think you’re a vulgar nymphomaniac who’s slept with half the planet. They’ll see you as the mother of their unborn babies.
I can now seek love and acceptance from all ho-lovers and defenders of the world, because my life would make no sense at all without their approval.
“The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid.”