Sorry about global warming…. karma sucks.
The Titanic .
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
After reading the very funny “dear X sincerely Y” jokes (like the above) that have been circulating around for the past week, I was inspired to write my own version of them as an homage to the pre-internet days when people actually bought stamps, letterheads, and envelopes and wrote to others (by hand) – or, as a reason to be random and stupid. Here is my humble contribution:
I miss the days when people actually noticed me . . . before you infested every inch of Lebanon.
Dear Lebanese Policemen,
If all the world’s policemen were like you, we wouldn’t have had hits like Bad Boys, Lethal Weapon, and Beverly Hills Cop.
Ps. Your “Keresh” is unjustifiable, un-sexy, and uncalled for – diet.
Dear Lebanese Politicians,
Kindly, each, answer our survey’s questions:
a) Were you breastfed as a child?
b) Did you get your fair share of playtime on the monkey bars?
c) Do you have a problem with the size of your penis?
The NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)
You have taken away all my spotlight, credibility, and importance. Thank you for ruining my reputation . . . forever.
The Male Brain
Dear Hairy Beast Man,
Before you sue my manufacturer, I plead with you to try out laser hair removal (or a lawn mower). This is beyond my capabilities.
Your Broken Razor Blade
Dear Ugly/Obese woman,
I understand that beauty is only skin deep, but you deserve a fine for what you’re doing to me every morning. I quit.
Your Bedroom Mirror
Dear Botox Babe,
Whenever you shed a tear over your facial wrinkles, remember this: maybe you could consider investing in some sun block lotion the next time you decide to rape me. It’s a lot more convenient and affordable than all those botox needles.
I never realized you were my number 1 competitor in the Lebanese market. Ease off a little, will ya?
Sense of Humor
I thought I looked stupid until I stood at the side of the road and watched your mouth move as you sang along to the radio. Your facial expressions seemed as though you were in agonizing pain (giving birth through your rectum perhaps). Next time you want to roll up your windows and condescendingly ignore me, just think of that.
The Flower Boy (Beggar)
Dear Pussy Boy Man-gina,
We would like to be detached from you. Not only do we feel invisible and useless, but there are possibly coconuts out there that deserve us more than you do.
Last I checked I had two wheels. Keep ‘em both on the ground, or try hopping around on one foot for a change.
Your Angry Moped (Mobilette)
Dear Man with Bad Breath,
I am so glad I was already dead before I entered your bat cave mouth.
Dear Belly Button,
I don’t like this neighborhood and I’m considering moving back uptown.
Go get me a wife.
Desperate Lebanese Man
Big Noses (all around the world)
Dear Filipino Nanny,
You cook, you clean, you watch after my kids. I should have just married you instead of my wife (the woman who spends all my money and never sleeps with me).
The Husband (who has had enough)
Dear Traffic and Mosquitoes,
Your lack of purpose and annoyingness shall be my revenge on mankind for destroying Mother Nature.
Please do not feel offended in any way unless you are a penis, a salmon sashimi, or a broken razor blade.
The 1% of Me That Actually Cares
Regardless of the reactions I’ll be receiving to this, I actually really enjoyed writing these “letters”. Whenever you are in a horrible situation or are very angry at something happening around you, twist it and turn it into whatever scenario you want it to be. Make it a play, a movie, a story, a blog entry; most importantly, always try to find the humor in it – if you can’t, make it funny.
Here’s to a funnier, less constipated world (especially Lebanon).
“Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.” Sid Caesar
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