La Wlooo!!!…A Plague Of Pigs Among Us

It is very possible that I have exhausted the subject of civility regarding the “people” I am forced to come across every day of my existence, but it is justifiable considering the sad truth that these rude/discourteous/foul/loud/unmannerly/uncivil people exist by the millions and seem to be multiplying at an unstoppable pace . . . somewhat like the plague – which is what I ought to call them from now on. Yes, the Plague.
This plague that I speak of is the uncivilized caveman (or woman) that you inevitably run into in the parking lot, supermarket, petrol station, cinema, and sometimes even in the public toilets where their creepy behavior seems to interlock and strengthen with the disgusting odors they release from their cavities.
Being sick and sedated from heavy prescription medication for the past two weeks oddly made me only more aware of this medieval mode de vie and I wished that a manual for proper behavior existed; something titled “How Not to Live Like a Pig”, and after searching for such a book and not finding one, I am taking the liberty of writing down a few guidelines for some of the pigs out there who may one day consider transforming into human beings.

Note to Pigs: Common courtesy was created so that person A can interact with person B and person C (and etc.) without killing each other.

On that note, the concept of standing in line was created so that each person has his own rightful turn. There is no “wasta” in standing in line; and no, you may not barge through if you sound or look angrier than the rest. Your uncivilized, impatient being must simply wait it out until it’s your turn; your time and existence are in no way more valuable than the rest of the people lined up – you are not a semi-god. Also, to those of you who stink: SHOWER! We are not obliged to bask in the revolting odor of your stinking armpits. Let’s all fight against pollution.

When you are in such a hurry to enter an elevator, please let the people inside exit first. You are not paper thin and if your parents taught you any manners, you’d be aware of this pleasant gesture. And no, you may not allow the door to slam on a person’s face. Holding the door for someone is not like donating a kidney; it’s a very quick and simple procedure – try it.

Thank you for making a visit to the supermarket become like a visit to the underworld where I have to fight demons and zombies before I reach to the deodorant aisle. I understand it may be torment for you to choose the ideal box of cornflakes or shampoo, but it would be great if you parked your cart somewhere other than the middle of the passageway where you will inevitably create a “traffic jam” and of course begin a feud over who has the right of passage. To the next person who does this to me: I will not hesitate to smash a can of beans right into your face.

Lebanese mothers are the worst. I will allow myself to be chauvinistic and sexist by saying that you truly do belong at home and nowhere else. You must not be allowed to drive or shop or function outside your household. No one cares about your annoying baby’s fat cheeks, but if it’s crying for hours you better shut it up before someone else does. A crying, screaming child is not cute; it is frustrating. Keep it at home the next time you choose to venture into civilization. Dogs aren’t allowed into malls, yet they are ten times more bearable than screeching children . . . think about it. Also, your “baby on Board” bumper sticker does not justify you driving like a vision-impaired Sasquatch.

I don’t blame countries that banned cell phone usage in certain public areas. Who cares about the health risks or whatever, I would ban them simply to avoid hearing all those loud conversations. When you’re at the restaurant, mall, supermarket, hairdresser, it is unacceptable to talk so darn loudly. People living on all 7 continents do not need to know that you had diarrhea last night from eating too much ice cream because your boyfriend of 3 years dumped you for your best friend. Learn to whisper when other people are around you; it’s never too late to start sounding less like a crow and more like a person.

Public toilets are really a nightmare thanks to these uncivilized creatures. When you’re using your own bathroom at home, I sure hope you don’t throw toilet paper on the floor and in the toilet bowl. I hope you don’t urinate all over the seat (and yourself) and leave it there to dry, and I hope you remember to flush the toilet once you’re done. Treat public toilets the way you would treat your own because other people are not obliged to clean up your disgusting mess. Some of the images I’ve seen will haunt my memory forever. Eukh!!!

Table manners are so rare these days, and it has become torture for me to dine out while trying to avoid my biggest pet peeve: people with no table manners. I feel like crying whenever I see ravenous beasts devouring their food on the tables across from mine, and I feel an urge to slap each of them and enlighten them about how to swallow their food without spitting half of it back out while talking.
Dear Beast,
That opening on your face must be closed while chewing food. Your elbows must not be on the table. Your conversation must not be heard by everyone around you. Your napkin must go on your lap and not around your collar like a bib (you are not 2 years old anymore). Do NOT proudly clean your teeth with a toothpick; instead, try covering your mouth while picking at those leftovers. Eukh. Got the flu? Blow your noise away from the food. Want to dip that chip in the salsa? Dip it ONCE, because no one will enjoy your saliva swimming around in there.

Is your dog house trained? Good for you! Now train yourself to remove its feces from the sidewalk (in a nylon bag) because none of my hobbies include stepping in its crap and having to clean it off later.

Are you a man-god? Yes? Yes? No you’re not, contrary to popular belief; so stop thinking you are and stop acting like you are one – it’s vulgar and disturbing to everyone around you. While you’re at it, stop thinking you know everything and stop thinking you’re always right. As a matter of fact, you should stop thinking, full stop. Make the world a better place.

If you have an opposing opinion to make, good for you; wait till the other person is done talking and then say what’s on your mind. Don’t shout, don’t growl, and don’t have a stroke – just calmly state your opinion (even if it means that the only point you’ll be proving is your stupidity).

While driving, that red light means stop, the green light means go, the yellow one means speed up if you’re close enough to the intersection or slow down if you’re too far to make it across. Learn your road signs; it’s 5 minutes of your life well spent. A 3 year old can learn this, yet I find people struggling with this every day. Come on, the majority of the population cannot be colorblind!

Before saying big words and showing off about your vocabulary, please buy a dictionary and look up these two words: Please and Thank you. Try using them more frequently in conversations instead of swear words. Civilized human beings do that all the time.

I may sound a bit too rude and outspoken, but I couldn’t care less at this point because my type of “rudeness” is not harming society. At least I have manners and common courtesy. I remember the swine flu epidemic that startled everyone a few year ago; but unfortunately, the real swine flu is this endless tormenting plague of pigs we have to live with. It is their rudeness  that is hurting society and not allowing it to advance. A civilization simply cannot flourish if people cannot live together in respect and harmony.When you seek change, start in the smallest areas like your manners and the way you interact with those around you. This is what differentiates the modern world from the primitive ages; civilization.

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.” Franklin D. Roosevelt