Almost all the girls I know have a common curse: Facebook Freaks; the guys that send us the weirdest, most irrelevant Facebook messages, with the worst English spelling and grammar mistakes. Some are funny, some are scary, some are impossible to understand; but all of them remain unanswered. Since Thanksgiving was a few days ago, I thought I’d go through my inbox and give back to all the unanswered freak messages I’ve received in 2010. Why am I doing this? In the hopes that one of these sad, lonely, retards men will read my column and begin to realize why the closest he can get to a female is the cashier lady at the supermarket.
(Please note that any grammar and/or spelling mistakes are purposely left uncorrected to maintain the essence of these men’s suave approaches. Only initials are used to maintain privacy)
E.A.wrote: Hi, how are you? it is nice to meet new people hope you consider. I am a teacher for English language and computer. I love walking , comic movies, and my computer. I am Lebanese and Australian I live in Beirut. plz send your mail to add you so we can chat. best regards
My Reply: Dear E.A., I am surprised that you teach English since you cannot form one correct and complete sentence. I am also glad that you love to walk (like the rest of us humans) and it’s great that you love your computer – I am sure your TV and radio are equally loved as well. I would have loved to send you my email address, but I firmly believe that I already know everything there is to know about you thanks to the self advertisement you just sent me. I suggest you stop copy-pasting this message to every girl on the Lebanon network and resign from your teaching job.
M.F. wrote: Do you know who you look like?
My Reply: I do not care. You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I.S. wrote: holaaa crayolaaa
My Reply: www.hopitalpsychiatriquedelacroix.org.lb Check it out – it could change your life.
A.T. wrote: Hey There,
I am A. from Turkey and gonna visit Beirut for the first time.
But i dont know anyone there, Just looking for some friends:) Maybe you can help me, what do you think?
My Reply: I think what you’re looking for is an escort service. I must admire your perseverance; instead of reserving at restaurants, you’re reserving one night stands before you reach your destination. Best of luck.
My Reply: Is “reje” supposed to be a name? of a person? If yes, I do not know a “reje” and thank you for asking, but my eyes were much better before you sent me this undecipherable arabic-english message.
K.R. wrote: hi rita. you’re so pretty. how old are you
My Reply: How is that of any relevance? Whether I am 5, 15, or 25, do you think I would ever talk to you?
I.T.N. wrote: sweet….are u lebanese?
My Reply: Eukh . . . I feel violated. I have an eery feeling that you’ve been staring at my photo for a while and thinking some dirty thoughts, so excuse me while I go die a little.
C.S. wrote: hey pretty, how you doing ? whats the story 😉
My Reply: The story is that you have evil parents because they made you believe you’re suave and cool. Please abstain from talking to anyone (and anything) female because you make me want to track you down and b**** slap you across your smug face.
S.G. wrote: nice photo
My reply: I know – that’s why it’s my profile picture; but do you know that stating the obvious is not enough to strike up a conversation? Did you also know that I’m not modest or bored enough to even say thank you? And same goes for the 95 other girls you sent this bland message to.
S.M. wrote: Excuse me Ms.
Well I guess this request has been there for a while!! It’s not really that difficult, its either you confirm or ignore bass hek teterkini m3alla2 bil hawa mish 7elwi ktir
Anyway, wish you the best..
My reply: Oh – My – God! You must be the saddest, most lifeless person on the planet. Have some pride and find a new hobby instead of refreshing your page every 3.5 minutes, waiting for a response from me. I do not acknowledge your existence, let alone your friend request. Be gone pest!
My Reply: Yes, this is my natural body. I have two arms and two legs like every other human being. Although I haven’t the slightest idea as to what a “plastic surgery puzzle” is, I can assure you that you’re being quite gay dramatic and I am genuinely hoping concerned that you may have a seizure because of gazing upon a female form (for possibly the first time).
A.H. wrote: ur not a social person… are u? dnt like to meet new pple?
My reply: I love to meet new people. Unfortunately, and judging by your fake gay photo, you do not have the privilege of being called a person. You look more like an ape that stopped evolving half way through the process. Ps. Next time you pick a fake photo to go with your fake profile, make sure it’s not that of a homosexual fat man.
M.K. wrote: very nice profile picture girl!!!
My reply: Heyyyyyy! Thanks girl friend! *snap*
P.A.O. wrote: just wanna warn you, Keep away from hair salons you beauty is killing the nature
Happy New Year
My reply: Eww. You’re so cheesy and corny; I think I vomited a little in my mouth. I just want to warn you that the lameness that is yourself is disrupting the natural flow of the universe (and nature).
T.K.H. wrote: “Niyyelo l amar fikeh , ma 7ada byechbaho 3al ared Gheir inteh”.
” 2ad ma y2areb nour l shamess 3al 2ared ma bye2dar ye7re2a, li 2anno nour jamelik mghatta l 2ared kella”.
My name is T*** from batroun.
I work a journalist in beirut.
My e-mail is: firstname.lastname@example.org
My Reply: Umm, what are you quoting exactly? I guess there is indeed one person dumber than you, and it’s whoever wrote those lyrics (barf!). I really do hope you’re not a journalist in the English language. Please let me know what magazine or newspaper you write for so that I try to boycott it from the Lebanese market. Please go sing your gay “ghazal” elsewhere. Thank you.
N.F.M. wrote: chuu ratrouttt keefeek akhbarik .. remember me??
My reply: I am sorry psycho stranger, but we have never met before (never spoken, never been introduced) – I do not know you. On that note, I do not appreciate strangers calling me “Ratrout”; you are not my long lost brother.
J.H. wrote: hey how are you miss sexyy enoo 3anjad ajmal bnet in facebook entiii can wee meet walla mamnou3 i wont to be live frands really bc i like your pic if you dont have e probilem give me your email addres or your mobile namber a7san if you give me and akid mabtndamii be sure so i wait your answer take care bye
My reply: It always pleases me to know that a fellow Lebanese is fluent in Chinese. Could you please re-send the message in English? Thank you.
S.Z. wrote: Psyching me up aint gonna do it instead you can get out of your head and write something back it’s a bit uncomfortable tell me about it so lets keep it low standards no big talks if didn’t turn out the way I you wanted to we got options don’t we hehe good enough for you? Rita
My Reply: Yo, What the dealio Mr. Ghetto? Didn’t yo mama ever teach you not to talk to yourself? If you’re looking for any kind of relationship with a human female, I advise you to stop and stick to your hand; freak.
Of course girls like the attention, but not when it’s coming from a semi-psycho stalker who is lost in the World Wide Web, desperately searching for his next girlfriend (and Facebook has made this all the more easier) – this will never be sexy or flattering (or sane), and I will never understand how some beasts guys find this behavior normal or effective!
“Hi there, I’m a human being! What are you?”