La Wlooo!!!…The 7-Hour Flight From Hell!

July 25, 2012  

Posted by in Featured, Lifestyle 

60 responses 


Hello wonderful readers, oh how I’ve missed you; especially those of you who constantly tell me to “leave Lebanon” . . . which I did, by boarding a 7-hour flight from hell on our beloved Lebanese airline, which not even Satan would want to fly on (which is the reason none of its planes have ever crashed – probably). Although I’m sure many of you have horror stories about said airline – and especially about its flight attendants – I’m certain that the worst tales must come from the ‘Beirut to Lagos/Accra/Abidjan’ flight (a.k.a. my bi-annual flight to Nigeria) in which all the inbred people of Lebanon come together in one closed aircraft for what feels like an eternity from the 7th circle of hell, to make you contemplate death for 7 dreary hours. I will explain to you what it’s like in the nicest way possible.

First of all, the horror of this vomit-inducing flight begins at the airport, specifically during check-in when the woman in front of me, wearing 3 layers of makeup and 11-inch heels, and carrying a weeping, wailing infant (that should be silenced with sleeping pills), lugs her 17 bags around on three different trolleys. Who cares if I’m practically falling asleep and I only have one luggage to check-in? Who cares if her little crying nuisance sounds slightly less irritating than fingernails scraping a chalkboard? And who cares if I’m standing there passively watching Satan’s spawn throw up all over the floor from crying too much or from an overdose of breast milk?
. . . Disgusting . . .
My favorite part is when the demonic mother looks back at me expecting me to help – as though she’s entitled. Well, she’s got another thing coming if she thinks I’m getting down on all fours to assist her in wiping vomit and nasal discharge off the floor. What do these women feed their babies?! It’s as though they’re preparing to roam 6 months through the Saharan desert. It’s a 7-hour flight for God’s sake . . . in an airplane . . . with food on it.

Anyway, after this fiasco comes to an end, I like to waste some time at the duty free zone, where I can buy cosmetics at a bargain price of $4 less. Boy, am I a genius or what?! Here’s the million dollar question: is saving $50 worth the rudeness of the ill-mannered cashier ladies or the groveling, desperate-to-make-a-dime salesmen? In any case, I still pat myself on the back and begin running to the boarding gate. Picture this: if the noisiest circus married the smelliest zoo, their love-child would be the ‘Beirut to Lagos/Accra/Abidjan’ boarding gate.
Of course, since the majority of the passengers are Lebanese, they do not understand the concept of a line. PMS-ing mothers will push you shamelessly and take your spot. Stinky men with flea-harboring beards will eye whatever is showing from your neck to your covered cleavage – then they’ll push you when they’re done with their unsuccessful peeks. Kids will step on your toes, many times; God forbid you stare them down . . . their demonic mothers will skin you alive with their evil glares.
At this point, I begin fantasizing about filling my handbag with bricks and smashing it into people’s faces as Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 plays in the background.

Once I finally find my seat on the airbus (reminiscent of public transportation) and make sure that the screen and pillows are clean, I begin my prayers; begging my Lord and savior to keep crying children and smelly men far away from me throughout the duration of the flight. Of course, my prayers are almost never answered – especially when the flight’s above 4 hours.
As a fat, hairy perverted man plops down next to me, I weep silently and bargain further with the Lord and all forces of the universe, “Please God, anything is better than this. Bestow a miracle upon me!” This man-beast then decides to switch places with his 12-year-old son. I am relieved. I let out a sigh and take in a deep breath. I smell onions – onions that have been roasting under the sun for MONTHS!
I am unable to believe that a prepubescent boy can exude such a stench. This little boy was about to sit next to me – polluting my air – for 7 hours. I sob and sob till I pass out. Five minutes after I’d snoozed, this little mongrel wakes me up to go see his father. How is that any of my concern? This continues for 5 more hours until I threaten that little stinkpot that if he scurried off one more time, I would not allow him back to his seat. I then take a sleeping pill and ask the flight attendant for a glass of white wine – after we’d been flying for almost 5 hours. “It isn’t chilled yet,” she says, in Arabic of course; since the international English language is simply out of the question! I had asked her for wine 9 times already, and wondered if she were completely stupid, lazy or just plain rude.

This brings me to another main issue: MEA flight attendants. They instill fear in my heart at the very thought of requesting something from them. You see, they have the “I’m not your maid” complex, and tend to forget that they are literally being paid to cater to our requests — as though they only took this job to “travel the world – for free” and not to actually work.
After fighting with countless MEA flight attendants with comments like, “b**** your purpose in life is to smile to me and bring me water . . . and chilled wine,” I found an alternative method; a loophole paved with nauseating niceness. Allow me to demonstrate.
Upon entering the aircraft, I make sure to smile to each and everyone of them, asking them individually, “how are you doing?” I then compliment them on something that could pass for “pretty” on another planet; things like, “I love your hair, it matches your eyebrows and complexion,” or “Nice earrings, they bring out the glow in your face,” or “Is your mole real? It’s so beautifying.” Now that I’m on their good side, I make sure to act like a weakling who needs the help of the powerful male flight attendants, “Oops! I can’t lift my 5 KG luggage into the overhead compartment, *sob*, could you help me? strong man?” Once I’ve given him his ego boost and a couple of fake ‘n forced smiles, we become buddies. I then buy some mascara and perfume and I’m on the high road to happiness! I am on the fast track to exquisite service — with all the wine an aerophobic could wish for.
Fighting with flight attendants has now become a blurry memory . . . but how is it humanly possible that a wine bottle doesn’t cool after five godforsaken hours? This is utter bullocks!

Of course, the minute I begin to snooze again, the Abidjan-bound passengers from hell decide it’s perfectly normal to prance around and partake in 3-hour loud conversations at 4 AM, when the entire plane is trying to sleep! If you ask these gorillas to lower their voices, they will stare at you in disbelief as if you’ve just asked them to do 4 cartwheels while drinking lemonade. If they do happen to shut up, screaming babies certainly won’t! What do their mothers try to do about it? They just furiously “rock” them to sleep, as their heads bob up and down like a bobble head doll. One gorilla in specific, a bit overexcited to return to his pack, spills his boiling hot tea on my arm. This is followed by 15 uncomfortable seconds of mutual stares. When he finally realizes he did something wrong, he utters, “Ana Assif” (translation: I am sorry). I respond with yet another stare, “. . . . .” (translation: f*** you and your late apology . . . and your loud gorilla friends.)

Throughout all of this, I kept wondering: Where are the flight attendants? Aren’t they supposed to maintain order on the plane? Who will cater to my burnt flesh? Who will discipline the wild animals and explain to them that it’s sleepy time for normal, sane people?
Of course, they are all at the back of the plane chatting, laughing and ignoring all passenger requests . . . and possibly finishing the chilled wine, secretly. Customer service at its finest!

The plane finally lands, and what landing is complete without unnecessary, meaningless, pointless applause? Think: bus arrives to vegetable market. The plane is supposed to land – why are they so surprised that it did? It’s like rewarding a printer for printing out documents!
I snatch my luggage from the overhead compartment (to make a statement that I’m cranky), look over at the male flight attendant and raise my eyebrow at him (clarification that I didn’t/don’t/will never need his help), “accidentally” jam my bag into little stinkpot’s face (revenge), push through the crowd of savages (yes I can be just as uncivilized as you are, b****es) and storm out of that godforsaken plane that now smells like a sewer from all the constant farting.

When oh when will a competitor airline be launched; one with direct flights, better ticket prices and well-trained flight attendants; one that would eventually push MEA to improve its disappointing service from beginning to end?

“Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” Bill Gates


60 Responses

  1. Emil July 25, 2012

    Stop whining. You seem to have an attitude that is worst than that of the attendants. Take egyptair next time.

    You should probably also take some antidepressant and some mood stabilizers.

  2. Lilianne July 25, 2012

    I don’t even know why I continued reading this, maybe I was hoping to see the point? You’re a whiny little person, who’s a complete over dramatic queen. Get off your high horse, leave Lebanon and stop complaining.

    good day.

    PS. Later in life, if you want to write a rant either A) keep writing in this manner, but limit your audience to just you by writing in your diary. OR B) In a proper and slightly (SLIGHTLY) more objective manner as to not insult yourself by making the readers judge you as a whiny little bitch (as I and I’m sure others already have).

  3. Samer July 26, 2012

    This is the stupidest and most pointless story i’ve ever read. Everything you wrote about is to be expected. Sounds like you were the one PMSing.

  4. tania July 26, 2012

    Well I am so pleased you don’t enjoy your flight!! I couldn’t even finish reading this article as disgust took over me. Disgusted by the writer, his arrogance and sense of selfishness. If you ask me, you appear to be the monster on this flight and NOT tired and crying children, nor the overweight people. Enough said.

  5. Afif Tabish July 26, 2012

    Couldn’t have said it better. Your not alone, every time I don’t get upgraded to business class (friends in MEA hook up) I seriously think that I just bought a ticket to the slums. Every minute feels like an hour. What can we do, this is Lebanon..

  6. Koto Moto July 26, 2012

    Shway 3am tzidah Madame,

  7. Rita D. July 26, 2012

    thanks for your wonderful comments! clearly you understand the concept of “satire” and are very familiar with what a “rant” is.
    maybe next time i’ll just stick to “abu el abed” jokes since that’s the level of humor you find amusing :D

  8. Misha K July 26, 2012

    When ever I picture myself letting my rage out on useless humans it’s always to Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5, another reason I love you haha.
    This article literally put me on that plane with you with that said YUK, barf, kill me!!!! Again, I am taking you back to California with me <3

  9. Nicolas July 26, 2012

    Your story is unreadable !
    Very boring and almost insulting …

  10. Darine Bader July 26, 2012

    loved it! so true, summarizes every flight i took where the majority of passengers were lebanese and arabs of course… for the flight attendants i liked the fact that you tried to compliment them hehehe

    and for the rude feedbacks, it shows that you again you are a success otherwise they wouldnt have bothered to write it down

    Lebanese flying on any airline, please it would be great if you lower your voice because you are invading other people’s privacy…remember they paid as well for their ticket

    This country and people have a long way to be labled one day as “civilized”

  11. Tony Harb July 26, 2012

    hahaha trust me its a beautiful adventure comparing to my trip to India! where the plane is sprayed by flight attendants with dioxin to clear out any contamination risks ! hahaha

  12. Tony Harb July 26, 2012

    and for all haters out there, its not Rita’s fault that u happen to be ranked in the same category of people she’s talkin about, saying that of course u will find this offensive and not at all amusing! but its very simple, all u gotta do is get the heck outta here, reading this article isnt by any means obligatory, it is not originally made to fit ur ape shaped peanuts called brains! idiots

  13. Lilianne July 26, 2012

    Dear Rita,

    I assure you that we are quiet familiar by what a rant is and what satire is. I just regret to inform you that this piece of, er, thing is neither. It’s whiny and annoying.

    Take care

  14. Rita D. July 26, 2012

    Dear Lilianne,

    I’m glad you’re *quite familiar with what a rant is and what satire is, but i regret to inform you that this piece of, er, thing is both. And yes, it is whiny and annoying indeed; hence, a rant.

    take care

  15. Tony July 26, 2012

    Great article… i get the satire and i think people posting the ‘whining’ comments should travel a bit more on other airlines at least long haul to get the point you’re making… having said that, if you’re a man (with the right look on MEA) you will get the best service – as a potential marriage candidate… their dream will be short lived once they know i am married with twin boys – then the horror starts again :)
    Enjoy your flight back to beirut lol
    …coming from a British Airways Gold member

  16. Alex T July 27, 2012

    I have enjoyed your posts for a while but haven’t left feedback until now

    As a fellow ranter it’s always enjoyable, if not cathartic, to read your words. I’m assuming this is a sentiment shared by many supportive readers.

    Last week I found a site which I violently disagreed with. Then I remembered the Internet is pretty large so I could just go find some other site which I liked more

  17. Yasmine July 27, 2012

    I can imagine what you are talking about, as I ALWAYS experience this on EgyptAir (!!) and have always had good experiences on MEA (so far :) :) ) – lucky me! Imagine if you were travelling with kids!! Yalla, stay cool and enjoy more flight with MEA lol.
    On another note, you your writing is great!

  18. Alia J. July 27, 2012

    My god, this is the longest and pointless nonsense i have ever read… Aren’t you Lebanese? Dudette u were definitely PMSing and u seem to be the little bitch in all of this… maybe you hadn’t cleaned your nose b4 getting on the flight.. and u r definitely racist …people like u die early and rot as well..

    P.S : Satan loves u, trust me

  19. annie July 27, 2012

    Mesh ketbe illa bullshit ,1st u embarrased our country because of flight attendants ,at least embarrass us because of other things,electricity,internet,roads,scortching heat,2nd is that’s how bad you see MEA flight attendants ,there are much worse like Greek airline flight attendants who only reply to you in Greek whenever u ask them a question in English ,mind you they don’t know one single word in English ,khedi el criticism very well Rita ,this article sucks ,the whole point was that some hot tea spill over your arm ,and you kept whining like a baby where are the flight attendants,I will post my own article as a reply to you ,for now I’ve got more things to do than whining because of a stupid incident ,I’ve taken MEA many times and they have a fairly good service ,they’re not exquisite but they’re good ,I see from your experience you don’t travel much ,weyn 3eyshe girl bil Champs Elizees???What about those flights in US who don’t serve you a meal because that’s the airline policy ,you pay for your flight but meals aren’t included and you’re not the only one not happy living in Lebanon but there are more proper ways to embarrasss our government than whine about a stupid MEA flight

  20. annie July 27, 2012

    One more thing Rita let rant in your blog ,satire here

  21. annie July 27, 2012

    One more thing Rita if you really wanted to make this article worth reading ,you could’ve at least talked about how Lebanese passengers brag about why they’re sitting in economy class ,that’s because there were no places left in 1st Class or Business Class ,that’s how les gens chics et branches in thi country keep repeating you lool,and don’t make this article based on a personal experience, you wanna talk about rant ,talk about it with your friends, want to talk about satire ,put it here.

  22. Angelique July 27, 2012

    Lebanese love to complain about other people’s bad manners, lack of intelligence, lack of humour, etc. (especially other Lebanese people). Let’s face it, Lebanese (in great majority) no matter what age, sex, religion, and social class are all incapable of self criticism, and hence will never improve the flaws that make them a failed nation.

  23. Adam Prydz July 27, 2012

    “At this point, I begin fantasizing about filling my handbag with bricks and smashing it into people’s faces as Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 plays in the background.”

    ^^^ probably the funniest thing ive ever read

  24. David July 27, 2012

    You my dear have socio/psychological problems,

    if you do not like to be part of the Lebanese culture in general, you cannot force all the Lebanese to be part of you’re so called civilized culture

    a lady with full makeup, heels, 60 luggage bags, a crying baby do need your help, and unfortunately you much like westernized people don’t give a damn

    the smelly gorillas you are talking about are human beings from your community that need people to help them know what hygiene is, and not someone like you always shattering them with swears

    the laughter, talks, and socialization is part of our Lebanese everyday lives even at 4am in the morning, if you can’t deal with it apply for a green-card, without expecting people to shut up and sleep just because you want to sleep

    the flight attendants surely hate your manners and fake smiles that’s why they don’t give a damn about what you ask for

    and i can’t understand why do you want to travel economy class and expect yourself to be served as a business class?

    and when people applause the pilot its because have a sense of humor, and not pretty much a “i want all people to be in the mood i am” girl

    people like you are the ones who makes this society boring and lifeless,

    be a Lebanese or just get the hell out of our country

  25. Rita D. July 27, 2012

    @david, “be a lebanese” ??? thanks for exemplifying the type of mentality that is keeping lebanon in the stone age.

    @annie/sarah, 1st, welcome back. 2nd, i’m sorry, i couldn’t finish reading what you wrote (which is the logical thing to do when you’re reading something you dislike or find boring). Please keep that in mind next time you read something that upsets you so much. you can always stop reading at any point; i call that, freedom of choice. i’m not sure how things are done in the 1800′s, but in 2012, everyone is ranting everywhere. get with the times.

    @angelique, guilty as charged. and yes, i agree with you — unfortunately . . . except in my case, i do constantly voice my opinion, which i should probably stop doing since it’s absolutely pointless.

    @adam, i’m really glad you enjoyed it.

    @alia J, could you please tell me where you bought your crystal ball from? i’d like to own one too, listen to the voices in my head, and predict the future of people i don’t know. your wisdom must be utterly painful, oh wise and collected one.
    ps. harry potter & the wizard of oz love you.

    @yasmine, egypt air is one of three airlines that i believe to be the worst. i flew on it 8 times, 6 years ago, and will never repeat that mistake again

    @alex t, thank you. I’d love it if you could share your blog (if you write). I’m a fan of rants as well.

    @tony, thank you for being a logical human being with a sense of humor!


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