La Wlooo!!!…The 7-Hour Flight From Hell!

July 25, 2012  

Posted by in Featured, Lifestyle 

60 responses 


Hello wonderful readers, oh how I’ve missed you; especially those of you who constantly tell me to “leave Lebanon” . . . which I did, by boarding a 7-hour flight from hell on our beloved Lebanese airline, which not even Satan would want to fly on (which is the reason none of its planes have ever crashed – probably). Although I’m sure many of you have horror stories about said airline – and especially about its flight attendants – I’m certain that the worst tales must come from the ‘Beirut to Lagos/Accra/Abidjan’ flight (a.k.a. my bi-annual flight to Nigeria) in which all the inbred people of Lebanon come together in one closed aircraft for what feels like an eternity from the 7th circle of hell, to make you contemplate death for 7 dreary hours. I will explain to you what it’s like in the nicest way possible.

First of all, the horror of this vomit-inducing flight begins at the airport, specifically during check-in when the woman in front of me, wearing 3 layers of makeup and 11-inch heels, and carrying a weeping, wailing infant (that should be silenced with sleeping pills), lugs her 17 bags around on three different trolleys. Who cares if I’m practically falling asleep and I only have one luggage to check-in? Who cares if her little crying nuisance sounds slightly less irritating than fingernails scraping a chalkboard? And who cares if I’m standing there passively watching Satan’s spawn throw up all over the floor from crying too much or from an overdose of breast milk?
. . . Disgusting . . .
My favorite part is when the demonic mother looks back at me expecting me to help – as though she’s entitled. Well, she’s got another thing coming if she thinks I’m getting down on all fours to assist her in wiping vomit and nasal discharge off the floor. What do these women feed their babies?! It’s as though they’re preparing to roam 6 months through the Saharan desert. It’s a 7-hour flight for God’s sake . . . in an airplane . . . with food on it.

Anyway, after this fiasco comes to an end, I like to waste some time at the duty free zone, where I can buy cosmetics at a bargain price of $4 less. Boy, am I a genius or what?! Here’s the million dollar question: is saving $50 worth the rudeness of the ill-mannered cashier ladies or the groveling, desperate-to-make-a-dime salesmen? In any case, I still pat myself on the back and begin running to the boarding gate. Picture this: if the noisiest circus married the smelliest zoo, their love-child would be the ‘Beirut to Lagos/Accra/Abidjan’ boarding gate.
Of course, since the majority of the passengers are Lebanese, they do not understand the concept of a line. PMS-ing mothers will push you shamelessly and take your spot. Stinky men with flea-harboring beards will eye whatever is showing from your neck to your covered cleavage – then they’ll push you when they’re done with their unsuccessful peeks. Kids will step on your toes, many times; God forbid you stare them down . . . their demonic mothers will skin you alive with their evil glares.
At this point, I begin fantasizing about filling my handbag with bricks and smashing it into people’s faces as Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 plays in the background.

Once I finally find my seat on the airbus (reminiscent of public transportation) and make sure that the screen and pillows are clean, I begin my prayers; begging my Lord and savior to keep crying children and smelly men far away from me throughout the duration of the flight. Of course, my prayers are almost never answered – especially when the flight’s above 4 hours.
As a fat, hairy perverted man plops down next to me, I weep silently and bargain further with the Lord and all forces of the universe, “Please God, anything is better than this. Bestow a miracle upon me!” This man-beast then decides to switch places with his 12-year-old son. I am relieved. I let out a sigh and take in a deep breath. I smell onions – onions that have been roasting under the sun for MONTHS!
I am unable to believe that a prepubescent boy can exude such a stench. This little boy was about to sit next to me – polluting my air – for 7 hours. I sob and sob till I pass out. Five minutes after I’d snoozed, this little mongrel wakes me up to go see his father. How is that any of my concern? This continues for 5 more hours until I threaten that little stinkpot that if he scurried off one more time, I would not allow him back to his seat. I then take a sleeping pill and ask the flight attendant for a glass of white wine – after we’d been flying for almost 5 hours. “It isn’t chilled yet,” she says, in Arabic of course; since the international English language is simply out of the question! I had asked her for wine 9 times already, and wondered if she were completely stupid, lazy or just plain rude.

This brings me to another main issue: MEA flight attendants. They instill fear in my heart at the very thought of requesting something from them. You see, they have the “I’m not your maid” complex, and tend to forget that they are literally being paid to cater to our requests — as though they only took this job to “travel the world – for free” and not to actually work.
After fighting with countless MEA flight attendants with comments like, “b**** your purpose in life is to smile to me and bring me water . . . and chilled wine,” I found an alternative method; a loophole paved with nauseating niceness. Allow me to demonstrate.
Upon entering the aircraft, I make sure to smile to each and everyone of them, asking them individually, “how are you doing?” I then compliment them on something that could pass for “pretty” on another planet; things like, “I love your hair, it matches your eyebrows and complexion,” or “Nice earrings, they bring out the glow in your face,” or “Is your mole real? It’s so beautifying.” Now that I’m on their good side, I make sure to act like a weakling who needs the help of the powerful male flight attendants, “Oops! I can’t lift my 5 KG luggage into the overhead compartment, *sob*, could you help me? strong man?” Once I’ve given him his ego boost and a couple of fake ‘n forced smiles, we become buddies. I then buy some mascara and perfume and I’m on the high road to happiness! I am on the fast track to exquisite service — with all the wine an aerophobic could wish for.
Fighting with flight attendants has now become a blurry memory . . . but how is it humanly possible that a wine bottle doesn’t cool after five godforsaken hours? This is utter bullocks!

Of course, the minute I begin to snooze again, the Abidjan-bound passengers from hell decide it’s perfectly normal to prance around and partake in 3-hour loud conversations at 4 AM, when the entire plane is trying to sleep! If you ask these gorillas to lower their voices, they will stare at you in disbelief as if you’ve just asked them to do 4 cartwheels while drinking lemonade. If they do happen to shut up, screaming babies certainly won’t! What do their mothers try to do about it? They just furiously “rock” them to sleep, as their heads bob up and down like a bobble head doll. One gorilla in specific, a bit overexcited to return to his pack, spills his boiling hot tea on my arm. This is followed by 15 uncomfortable seconds of mutual stares. When he finally realizes he did something wrong, he utters, “Ana Assif” (translation: I am sorry). I respond with yet another stare, “. . . . .” (translation: f*** you and your late apology . . . and your loud gorilla friends.)

Throughout all of this, I kept wondering: Where are the flight attendants? Aren’t they supposed to maintain order on the plane? Who will cater to my burnt flesh? Who will discipline the wild animals and explain to them that it’s sleepy time for normal, sane people?
Of course, they are all at the back of the plane chatting, laughing and ignoring all passenger requests . . . and possibly finishing the chilled wine, secretly. Customer service at its finest!

The plane finally lands, and what landing is complete without unnecessary, meaningless, pointless applause? Think: bus arrives to vegetable market. The plane is supposed to land – why are they so surprised that it did? It’s like rewarding a printer for printing out documents!
I snatch my luggage from the overhead compartment (to make a statement that I’m cranky), look over at the male flight attendant and raise my eyebrow at him (clarification that I didn’t/don’t/will never need his help), “accidentally” jam my bag into little stinkpot’s face (revenge), push through the crowd of savages (yes I can be just as uncivilized as you are, b****es) and storm out of that godforsaken plane that now smells like a sewer from all the constant farting.

When oh when will a competitor airline be launched; one with direct flights, better ticket prices and well-trained flight attendants; one that would eventually push MEA to improve its disappointing service from beginning to end?

“Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” Bill Gates


60 Responses

  1. omar July 30, 2012

    Frustrated, really??? Of course we are frustrated with the stupidity in our country. Yes we are frustrated with the uncivilised ways in our country. Yes we are frustrated of all the bullshit we have to deal with when we want to have a good time in our country. And yes we get fristrated coz we have to deal with idiots like you.

    But you girl, you got the wrong frustration (im thinking the sexual type… go get laid)

  2. Rita D. July 30, 2012

    layane, satire includes all of what i’ve written. the fact that you think i’m angry shows how little you know and how much you actually understood from what i wrote.
    i can assure you, you said all you need to say in your 77 comments. please feel free to get back to your life (if you have one) at any point from now.
    also, i do not allow racist remarks in my articles or comments; what you said to Aywa Keda simply highlights how little you know about the world … and how uneducated YOU are. i suggest you travel out of lebanon, at least once, before you begin philosophizing. you still have so much to see and learn beyond the little spot on the map that is Lebanon.
    this will be my last response to you, because frankly, i refuse to waste my time arguing with incompetent people. it’s not about having the last word; this is not kindergarten. i made my point days ago. you’re still fighting and struggling to make yours.
    i hope you enjoy arguing with yourself.

  3. layan July 30, 2012

    Ba3daaa 3am te7kiii ,one guess and big reward for who’s the psycho:P ,LA2222222 WLOOOOOO RITAAAA :p:p:p:p:p:p

  4. layan July 30, 2012

    Hehehehe Ritaaaa ,have you checked my passport to know where I have been and what airlines I have taken ???Why don’t you make a favor and stop calling uneducated ,because the only uneducated through this article is you and everyone’s reading it now ,everyone around me ,my friends ,neighbors ,all,your replies and how you can’t take criticism and this isn’tt about Lebanese savoir vivre,it’s about your savoir vivre which apparently you don’t have one ,again I tell you revise your lines “After fighting with countless MEA flight attendants with comments like, “b**** your purpose in life is to smile to me and bring me water . . . and chilled wine,” I found an alternative method; a loophole paved with nauseating niceness. Allow me to demonstrate”,apparently ,you’re one of those passengers yali bimashklouwa in the airplane ,second ,I’ve seen people skip lines in other countries too,that’s a matter of politeness, but that is true that Lebanese skip lines most of the time to get ahead ,that’s the only thing I agree with you
    “Kids will step on your toes, many times; God forbid you stare them down . . . their demonic mothers will skin you alive with their evil glares.”GOOOSH haven’t I seen this happen in other aircrafts???Does this only happen in MEA???
    This isn’t satire for sure, this is an empty chat you discuss with your girlfriends ,not post it here .

    One more thing “then take a sleeping pill and ask the flight attendant for a glass of white wine – after we’d been flying for almost 5 hours”, this explains it loool,never mix medication and alcohol looool
    BA3D BADIK TE7KI????

  5. layan July 30, 2012

    There’s no point in arguing with you ,you make nonsense, you have nothing to support yourself ,definition of arguing present participle of ar·gue (Verb)Verb:
    1.Give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one’s view.
    2.Persuade someone to do or not to do (something) by giving reasons: “I tried to argue him out of it”.

    I have a nice diner party to attend and won’t be wasting the rest of
    my day with you ,and if I weren’t educated enough ,I wouldn’t be replying to you, I 1st thought replying with a nice comment but then I saw how you responded to many,you just can’t accept criticism and you’re the author ,last but not least,all this time when you said to me that I was wasting my time replying to you and that I have nothing to do, I was working on my project ,but of course you’re too judgmental that you claimed that commentator has nothing to do but reply,bye

  6. layan July 30, 2012

    Actually Rita from the moment I commented to this article you made it sound like like a it’s a win-lose situation loool , soo try other airlines and the talk about the things that matter and are worth talking about between an airline and another airline ,that’s when I’ll see it’s worth reading and talking about an article , that our poor airport should place public phones and that a few months ago when I travelled I asked the the telecom shop to provide me with an alfa card because we don’t have public phones in our airport and that I’ve asked several times to our employees ,and that in order to increase revenues they can charge a 1 dollar or 2 dollar bill per luggage wheel in order to increase the airport revenues but then again all those revenues will get into the pockets of the warlords

  7. Aywa Keda August 1, 2012

    walla shaklil ya layan shi cabin crew from the middle east airlines! #psycho

  8. jessy August 6, 2012

    couldnt agree more Rita. My friend was a mechanical engineer at MEA and his experience there says the same…well, no! even worse.

  9. Mahmoud A. August 16, 2012

    This is the most disgusting “Thing” i have ever read. I cannot believe how you described a baby crying and then vomiting. You are far from needing to be treated any differently than all what you described, and I am happy you endured all this in your flight because you, my dear, DESERVE it.
    No one enjoys these airlines, and my wife just finished telling me what a stupid experience she had with a flight attendant who found it difficult to help lifting a carry-on overhead, and this is how we got back to this article, which i had read a while ago. I agree with all those who think it’s the worst airlines, and we can sit and talk all day and night about our bad experiences, but the way you have written all this and your “Jargon” is just outrageous, and is actually the only vomit-inducing thing around here. But i guess a bunch of your readers enjoy it anyways.

    Hopefully you will have many more flights on MEA and hopefully you will encounter more of satan’s spawns :)

  10. Mohammad D. August 18, 2012

    despite the fact that the country is barely on its feet, i think it would work much better if everyone works out his part in everything. i mean when i read your comments, sure the sarcasm drives me to constantly crack up, but getting an image f you in my head in the airport, i can imagine you arrogance. MEA was never labelled a 5 star airline for example and you really cant blame people for not showering, especially perhaps on that route. but when you give yourself too high of standards, that’s when of course you’ll find everything not satisfying and disgusting. people with your mentality are the ones that keep the country back. listening to you, i can hardly imagine you with your beautiful nails doing community service for example. if you really are familiar with civilized communication, and if you know how much of an asshole the general manager of MEA is, emailing him about the specific flight attendant will give him more than joy of an excuse to fire them rather than public humiliation. i have boarded many prestigious airlines with better service but stinky people board all. i have been involved in a crash landing of a very high standard American airliner. thank you lord for having a safe slowly progressing national airline, board another airline if you wish rather than nag nag nag, and if your pappy raised for better standards, have him start you your own airline with flight attendants who are a lot like you but they actually get laid in the lavatories to chill the fuck out. do your part of being a citizen and look at the brighter side of things


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